So Long

(Written Friday, September 18)

I'm not sure where to start.. I guess the sum of it is that we are indeed not returning to New Jersey any time soon, if at all. Matthew's orders end this month but it was his unit's intent to extend his orders for as long as they could. Unfortunately he failed his PT test last month and they had to put them on hold. The good news out of that is he started physical therapy for the shin splints that have plagued him for the last 10 years.

The other side effect was an intense effort to find a new job locally. He applied to several government positions and last week we started hearing back that he qualified but we hadn't actually started the interview process. There was one in particular he decided to go ahead and apply for that had a rather tedious application process, but it turned out to be worth it. Early this morning the phone rang offering him the job. They have requested he takes two days of leave for the dates that would overlap so he could start on the 29th. The position is as a unit administrator for a subordinate group two grades before the command he is currently working for. It is just enough grades down that he will be able to continue drilling with his current unit. Aside from paralegal, this is the job he had been waiting for. It seems we have "arrived."

One of the results of this job change is that we well say goodbye to Tricare. It has been good to us.

Week 2 weigh in

Start - 196.7
Week 1 - 194.2
Week 2 - 193.8

Another loss! It wasn't much, but this was a hard week and better than nothing. I had a lot of cravings besides the fact we had family in town. Amazingly, today I had 67 calories at the end of the day plus the 500 for nursing. We did the 2 mile walk around the neighborhood and then I did a bunch of shopping so I racked up quite the calorie burn. In fact, this was the best I've done with the fitbit and my step count. I was headed for bed and decided to check my steps and I was just 300 shy of 10K, so I decided to walk back and forth through the house until I reached my goal. Yay  me!

I feel ready to start the C25K again. It seems I started quite the trend in NJ when I made LC my running buddy. She's been going full speed since I quit and has even motivated MP. Now RV has decided she wants to do it too. I told her she could be my buddy. She's going to start on Thurs. I'd like to start tomorrow, but I don't have a phone that can run the app or play list. I'm on a mission to find my Dad's. Getting a smartphone has become an obsession almost.

And over the last week I can tell that walking has totally turned my PPD around. I feel so much more like my old self. It's nice. Things that would have been totally overwhelming now seem like no big deal (like opening up a closet door). Amazing what a bit of exercise and friendshipping does for me!

Week 1 weigh in

Start - 196.7
Week 1 - 194.2

2.5 pounds down! Woohoo!

Yesterday we walked 2 miles for about 45 min. It was raining and hailing this morning so we didn't go today though I still have plans to do something. For the moment I am cleaning house in prep for a visit from Matthew's sister and bro in law tomorrow.

Do - Overs

From the Institute manual -

Elder Henry B. Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles commented on his experience years before teaching Hosea to his early morning seminary classes:

“The book of Hosea, like the writings of Isaiah, uses what seem to me almost poetic images. The symbols in Hosea are a husband, his bride, her betrayal, and a test of marriage covenants almost beyond comprehension. … Here are the fierce words of the husband, spoken after his wife has betrayed him in adultery: [Hosea 2:6–7].

“He goes on (through verse 13) to describe the punishment she deserves, and then comes a remarkable change in the verse that follows. … : [Hosea 2:14–15, 19–23].

“At that early point in the story, in just two chapters, even my youngest students knew that the husband was a metaphor for Jehovah, Jesus Christ. And they knew that the wife represented his covenant people, Israel, who had gone after strange gods. They understood that the Lord was teaching them, through this metaphor, an important principle. Even though those with whom he has covenanted may be horribly unfaithful to him, he would not divorce them if they would only turn back to him with full purpose of heart.

“I knew that too, but even more than that, I felt something. I had a new feeling about what it means to make a covenant with the Lord. All my life I had heard explanations of covenants as being like a contract, an agreement where one person agrees to do something and the other agrees to do something else in return.

“For more reasons than I can explain, during those days teaching Hosea, I felt something new, something more powerful. This was not a story about a business deal between partners, nor about business law. … This was a love story. This was a story of a marriage covenant bound by love, by steadfast love. What I felt then, and it has increased over the years, was that the Lord, with whom I am blessed to have made covenants, loves me, and you, … with a steadfastness about which I continually marvel and which I want with all my heart to emulate” (Covenants and Sacrifice [address to religious educators, 15 Aug. 1995], pp. 1–2).

I am grateful the Lord believes in do-overs. I know that words have great power - for good or ill. I often fail in the parenting department - especially as my boys get older and we butt heads more often. 

This morning I was focused on preparing my singing time and was stressed to get it finished. Jared came in to tell me how hungry he was and my basic reaction was to tell him (in a not very kind voice), 'I'm sorry. I warned you last night. Go shower we are in a hurry.' At the end of the conversation he walked off crying. He did go to the bathroom, but nothing was happening. As I thought about the exchange, I realized I wasn't very compassionate. I finished up what I was doing and knocked on the bathroom door to try talk to him. He wasn't very responsive at first. It wasn't until I told him I wanted a do-over that he let me in (since he was still dressed and hadn't made any progress towards showering). I apologized for not being very compassionate and asked for a do-over. He complied, so we started the conversation over. I had to prompt him ;) This time when he told he was hungry, I put my arm around him and my response in a much softer voice was, "I know you are hungry. Today is fast Sunday. You are old enough to choose for yourself whether you will fast or not. You can make that choice yourself, but if you choose to eat, you need to hurry and shower so you will have time. We need to leave in 20 minutes. You can think about it while you are in the shower and decide what you want to do. Ok?" He said ok and a few minutes later the shower was going. Ultimately he chose to fast, but the important part was that our relationship was strengthened instead of strained, and I gave him the power over his situation. 

While Jared was off doing his thing, Aaron was asking me what he was good at (a result of a brief conversation last night when I highlighted that Jared was awesome at taking care of Peter. Aaron was seeking validation of his Peter skills). I told him I'd tell him the list after he got ready for church. He quickly complied and I shared his list over breakfast:

'You're good at being helpful, quickly obeying, thinking of others, being a friend, reading the scriptures and remembering the stories, being affectionate, giving hugs' (There were a few more I mentioned and he thought of some himself too)

I think he was floating on happy thoughts after that. He was really good at church and extra affectionate in a peaceful contented sort of way. In fact, he even decided to share his testimony during sacrament mtg today. When he told me he wanted to go up there, I told him that a testimony is sharing what you believe. He thought about it for a moment. We have been focusing on the temple in our Family Home Evening lessons the last few weeks as we prepare for the Ogden Temple dedication, so his thoughts were about the temple. He told me he knew what he'd say, and I had him rehearse it with me. With a little direction from me (like don't mention the trip to Sonic), he shared that 'We went to the temple as a family the other day, and I know the temple is a blessing. I believe the temple is the house of God. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen." He was really nervous and asked me to go up there with him. I was happy to oblige and hold his hand. He couldn't remember what he was going to say once he got in front of the microphone, but he did pretty good for a first timer :) I was pleased he took that initiative. When we got back to our seats he told me he felt so happy and that he couldn't wait to share his testimony again next week. He was disappointed to learn that he wouldn't get to because it is a regular Sunday, but fortunately he gets to give the talk in Primary so he could do it there. 

When we got home I told Jared how proud I was that he made the decision to fast even though he really wanted to eat. Aaron asked if I was proud of him for sharing his testimony before I got a chance to say it. I told him, yes I am. He told me that when one of the other Primary children got up to bare her testimony he thought, if she could do it, I can. He thought maybe there was an age restriction since there has been a lot of talk of that with the temple dedication. I told him, nope. The only requirement is that you can share your beliefs without help. 

The rest of the day the boys have played so well together. It has been music to my ears. So many of our moments lately have been of Jared taunting Aaron. It is exhausting, but I recognize that the way I respond makes the difference. Today they were both validated and built up and peace reigned.

1. 1. Let us oft speak kind words to each other
   At home or where'er we may be;
   Like the warblings of birds on the heather,
   The tones will be welcome and free.
   They'll gladden the heart that's repining,
   Give courage and hope from above,
   And where the dark clouds hide the shining,
   Let in the bright sunlight of love.
2. (Chorus)
   Oh, the kind words we give shall in memory live
   And sunshine forever impart.
   Let us oft speak kind words to each other;
   Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.
3. 2. Like the sunbeams of morn on the mountains,
   The soul they awake to good cheer;
   Like the murmur of cool, pleasant fountains,
   They fall in sweet cadences near.
   Let's oft, then, in kindly toned voices,
   Our mutual friendship renew,
   Till heart meets with heart and rejoices
   In friendship that ever is true.
4. 1. Text: Joseph L. Townsend, 1849-1942
      Music: Ebenezer Beesley, 1840-1906

Caloric Balancing Act

Today was day 2 of walking the neighborhood. It was just me and another gal with a new baby. I've been wanting to hang out with her, so it worked out really well to be just the two of us. We went the route we meant to go yesterday and still managed to do it in about 30 minutes. I felt really good afterwards and tried to not sit down as much when I got home. I was better than yesterday, but not perfect. I did get two loads of laundry folded which is good. And tonight I was even able to go on a bike ride with the boys. I keep getting the reminder that my legs are not in as good a shape as they were last summer, but I didn't do too bad. I couldn't make it up any hills but by the end of our trip around the complex I was feeling a lot stronger. If only I can keep it up... Though I think I will be able to because I've committed the group to walking every week day.

My big dilemma is how much do I account for nursing and still lose weight. I've read a bunch of articles tonight and I should add 500 calories for nursing. In fact, I am seeing that my caloric intake should be between 2200 and 2500. I was thinking 1800-2000. I like that I can eat that much more, but what I can't figure out is how I gained all my baby weight back after delivery if I really should be eating more. I think the stress was causing me to hold on to it - although I was probably averaging closer to 3000 + on my roadtrip so that may have been a culprit as well. I am curious what the scales will reflect on Monday. I don't want to eat too many calories, but I don't want to eat too few and lose my milk supply either. It is a fine line and an experiment. The ironic/funny thing is that once I knew I had an extra load of calories my body says it's hungry. It had felt just fine before that :p

Breaking Out - Lettuce Eat Cake 2014

After some discussion with my friend Julie, we decided to startup the Lettuce Eat Cake contest now instead of in January. We both desperately needed some motivation now. The contest started Tues morning. I was not really mentally ready to start, but did it anyway.

Starting Weigh in - 196.7

I bought a fitbit one on Tues to help me keep track of how active I really am being. Yesterday I walked a whopping 2K steps (the goal is 10k), but my hope is that I will get better. In fact, I finally reached out to people to see if anyone wanted to walk with me. I got a decent response and this morning was our first excursion.

We met at the church parking lot at 9 am and then walked the neighborhood. I mapped a route last night, but we ended up getting a little lost. It worked out well in the end though because we went even farther than I'd marked. My legs were even burning a bit by the time we got back. The pace was decent and I certainly worked up a sweat. Here's the final stats:

Distance - 1.8 miles
Time - 36 minutes
Pace - 2.9 mph

We decided we'd meet every day with the expectation that not everyone would be there every day. Today's weather was just right and with the fall season approaching this may be a really good time to start.

The exercise and socializing was just what I needed :)

Musings

I have not exercised since my CardioX stint. I think my emotional well-being is tied in to that as well because it hasn't been as good as it had the week before when I was being active. The good news is that the Lettuce Eat Cake contest is being resurrected starting Monday. Maybe that will help with the motivation, though I know the heart of it is that I need exercise buddies. I need someone to exercise with and be accountable to. Someone within my ward boundaries. I need friends in my ward. I feel cut off from everyone, but I recognize that it is only in my head. I just need to do my part to reach out to them. In my analyzing of my NJ experience, I was reminded that I went through this there as well in the beginning. Reaching out to people made a huge difference. At least in NJ there was an email sent out every week so there was at least some way to communicate with everyone. Here there is nothing - no facebook friends, no email list. I have debated sending out a mass email suggesting a walking group but have wondered at the appropriateness of it.

And then of course I wonder if it is worth the effort when I don't know how much longer we will be here. Our lease ends Oct 30 and Matthew's orders end Sept 30th. He failed the PT test due to shin splints so he is flagged and the intended 90 day orders can no longer be given to him until he passes a mid-Oct PT test. He's been going to physical therapy and getting help, but the timing is so tricky. We got a notice from the apartment complex about our lease ending and needing notice by the end of September our intent to renew or by the 1st if we are not. The month to month option is a $300 increase in our rent, though either way our rent will be increasing by $100 if we renew with a 9 - 12 month lease. Since Matthew is flagged, they are going to put him on AT orders for the month of October and then if he passes his PT test they'll give him the 90 day orders which brings us through January. And then what? That's only 4 months - no lease option there. Do we go ahead and sign another 6 month lease (which cost they did not enumerate in the letter)? I feel at such a loss. It finally occurred to me today that the answer I seek would come through prayer.  I am ashamed to admit that it took this long to realize that :/

In other thoughts, Peter is 2 calendar months old today. I am enjoying getting to know him. I can tell when he is excited not by his smiles b/c they are still kind of rare, but by the way he grunts and fidgets. One of his favorite things to do is practice standing. He will grip our thumbs and we can say "stand up" or "sit down" or "sit up" and he will tense his muscles and pull himself into whatever position. He prefers to be in an upright position and will often try to sit up when I lay him down on his back propped up. Today he was especially intent on practicing standing. I loved watching the determination on his face as he not only stood up, but then would pick up a foot and place it back down. It was taking a lot of effort and he got upset that his body tired so easily. I just kissed him and told them I knew his body couldn't do everything his spirit could do, but it would get there. His determination and perseverance is inspiring. As I think about all the strengthening his muscles have to do to get from one stage to the next (rolling, sitting, crawling, standing, pulling up, and finally walking) and the time it takes to get there, reminds me that obtaining my own goals takes time (and determination) as well.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing he is still so young because he's gotten so chunky and his spirit is so robust. I am thankful he is part of our family.

Experimenting

I have been toying with the idea of purchasing coconut oil for its myriad of uses for awhile but due its expense have been gun shy. This last week Sprouts had a BOGO free deal so I went ahead and pulled the trigger.

My number one use of interest was oil pulling. So, I used just a small amount last night and pulled for about 5 -10 minutes before brushing my teeth and then did it again this morning with a larger amount for 20 min. I should took a start picture to see if there is any difference. On one hand my mouth did feel cleaner this morning, but my sensitive teeth feel a bit like they are on alert though they don't hurt.

I have also read it makes a great facial cleanser so I put some on my face yesterday and today. I think that regiment needs tweaked but my face does feel softer.

I have been meaning to start doing my green smoothies again and I had a small bunch of spinach leftover from a recipe so I decided to go ahead and make one yesterday as a mid-morning snack. I dropped a tablespoon of coconut oil in it. There was just a hint of coconut flavor and it was pretty good. I really enjoy the flavor of my green smoothies and my body said Ahhh as I drank it.

Supposedly two of the benefits of coconut oil is increased energy and weight loss (keeps you full longer and has good fat). I am not sure that the coconut oil itself made a difference, but this morning I woke up at 5 to feed Peter and go to the bathroom. After changing his diaper I found myself feeling quite alert. I laid in bed debating getting up for the morning and exercising. After about 45 minutes I decided to get up. I made Matthew's lunch while I swished the coconut oil and debated whether I really wanted to start my day with CardioX or something a little more tame since I am just starting back into things. I chose Cardio X. And survived.

I modified where I needed to because I didn't want to go all out and then be so sore I wouldn't do it again or be able to function. For the most part it went well, but I really felt my muscles when I finished the Steam Engine which is at the end of the program. It is basically standing crunches. Youch! Peter woke up the last little bit but I was close enough to the cool down that I didn't stop. Now that it is the end of the day I'm feeling a lot more than just my hamstrings. Everything is going to be so sore tomorrow. I did a lot of sitting today with Peter so I wasn't able to keep my muscles warm and limber. Oh well....

I feel like I've been in much better control of my eating today and wasn't as hungry or bottomless pit as I have been. Maybe it is the exercise, maybe it is the coconut oil, maybe it is the smoothie, or maybe it is a combination. I did eat some things I shouldn't have but I didn't do it with a feeling of lack of control, if that makes sense.

On to something

Matthew rejoined Weight Watchers and his interest in activity and food intake has helped me take a little bit more control of my own actions. Earlier this summer I paid for lifetime membership on sister sites Menu Mom and www.MenuPlanningCentral.com which gives me access to ebooks with all kinds of recipes as well as weekly meal plans. I have access to all the meal plans (family friendly, frugal, vegetarian, and healthy) but I opted to go with the healthy one this week because it had the best variety and includes nutritional info as well as the recipe which would be beneficial for Matthew. I am hoping that having a meal plan will help reign in the grocery spending as well.

For my birthday my MIL gave me a Fitbit Flex, but since I was basically sedentary I let Matthew use it. At this point I should get a new one for me. They are on sale through AAFES and was going to pick one up on Thurs but noticed the Fitbit One was the same price. I decided I needed to do some research and decide which one I really want. I wished I had it today though because I have definitely been active!

Since being in TX I have felt the itch to replace my bike. It needed new tubes and tires but I couldn't get the tires off. I took it to a bike shop to pay them to do it earlier this summer only to discover that they wouldn't b/c of the type of rims. Basically they deemed the bike unsafe. :/ So I have been in the market for a new bike ever since. I found one on Ft Sam I really liked but not getting. I wished I'd have at least written down its info so I could find it again. I was hoping that Hill AFB would carry the same ones but it didn't. Oh well...

At my 6 wks check the midwife prescribed at least 20 minutes (preferably an hour) of outside activity every day to help me feel better. Friday ended up being a magical kind of day and I finally captured that feeling of last year's summer. I went swimming! It felt so good! In the evening I took Matthew's bike and the boys and I rode around the block. Man are my legs out of shape! Saturday I rode the same route again. I only swam about 20 minutes the day before, but my muscles were still pretty sore.

So my research for the fitbit seems to have subconsciously spurred my willingness to be active b/c this morning I wanted to take the boys on a ride to the school. I pushed the stroller and they rode bikes. Aaron needed the practice too if he is going to ride to school. We have a week to get into shape! The school is about a mile away. It took about 20 minutes for me to walk each way. I had flashbacks to last summer the entire time. The difference was that I was walking and not running or riding. It was nerve wracking not being able to be as fast as the boys with Aaron being such a novice at the bike (sans training wheels). Once we got to the school they practiced locking their bikes and then we headed to the play ground. We were there about 45 minutes and then I attempted to herd them home. Again I thought about last summer.

I realized that Jared was as much a novice bike rider last summer after returning from TX as Aaron is. I didn't have my bike until we got back either which means that all that bike riding happened the last 3-4 weeks of summer. Granted our school starts earlier, but we are in the same place as last year. The difference is we have Matthew around in the evenings and Peter dictating when and how I can participate in activities. Anyway, as the boys were riding around the playground I realized we spent a lot of time on our bikes last summer in a business parking lot. It was a large space where we could perfect our skills. Although we have the apartment roads, it just isn't the same because you always have to watch out for cars. There isn't the element of freedom.

As I watched the boys ride ahead of me on the playground and I wished I could be as fast as them - either by chasing them on my bike or running after them, I think I finally understood the feeling of last summer I have been trying to capture: empowerment. Last summer was empowering. It seems a shame that we are on the last week of summer and I finally found what I was looking for.

Indulgence

Today was my 6 wks postpartum appointment with the midwives. Can you believe it has been that long already?!

My roadtrip ended up lasting a lot longer than originally anticipated. We decided to go on to TX from NM and we didn't return until last night. It was nice but exhausting. And totally indulgent.

Indulgence - I think that about sums the last 6 weeks.

At my last appt with the midwives before Peter was born, my weight was 203. Today it was 198.6. I did not weigh myself until my trip through NM, but I can tell you that about 8 of those pounds were found in the last two weeks. At 2 wks pp my pants were pretty lose and I could probably have fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. At this point, I am not sure I have any besides the one pair of maternity shorts I wear every day. It is ridiculous the amount of weight I have gained since Peter was born, but since the Friday after I got home I have been a bottomless pit.

People will say that it is ok to eat more because I am nursing, but the reality is that there is an appropriate burning to consumption caloric intake ratio and the consumption scale is on the heavy side right now. The good news is that life will be able to resume/take on a more realistic normal as we leave the vacation life behind and prepare for the start of school. It is my hope that I can get back into meal planning and an active lifestyle.

Roadtripping It

Written Mon, July 28th (Unfinished entry)

One of my hopes/goals when we moved to UT was to visit my Gma in New Mexico. Though I did get to see her for my bro’s wedding in 2012, I haven’t been to her house since 2010. Despite her history of great health, she is getting older and having more issues. It’s been important to me to get out and see her. Since Mom was in town, I thought it would be a good time to coordinate a trip. We left Saturday afternoon and pulled up at midnight.

The boys did pretty well – all of them really. We rearranged the seating in the car so that Jared was in the front with Peter. I really enjoy watching the two of them together! As long as Jared can stay nice to him, there is a potential for them to be inseparable as Peter grows.

It had been our intent to leave at 9 am Saturday morning, but Murphy’s Law got in the way. We celebrated Genevieve’s 1^st birthday that evening and had planned on staying at the church to light fireworks. All the family left though and we didn’t feel good about staying by ourselves and doing it in the church parking lot. So then we were going to do it in the nearby park but it was full of people. I needed to make a run to Smith’s for milk so we stopped there while Aaron and I went inside and grabbed some things. By then it was well after 9 so we debated our plan. We decided I’d stay home with Peter and pack while Matthew took the boys on to wherever and shoot off fireworks. Great plan. I spent most of my time feeding Peter, but I did get all the laundry rotated so I could pack. I had just started feeding him again when I got a call from Matthew asking for help because the van’s battery was dead. It was not quite 11 at this point. I warned him it would be awhile before I could get to him, but I’d be able to use the car seat in the truck so I could go and give him a jump. Thirty minutes later I could head out. I didn’t have a key to the house because it’s with my van key which was with Matthew. When I was dropped off at home he’d offered his keys, but I saw no point in taking them because I wasn’t going to go anywhere. Ha ha. I had been reading Shannon Hales’ The Goose Girl on my Kindle while feeding Peter but purposefully left it and the diaper bag because it was going to be a quick turnaround.

They had ended up in a park that we couldn’t find an entrance to last time we tried in the dark, so it took a couple of tries to find it this time too. Thankfully I could at least have Matthew talk me through it while I was driving and found it. They managed to find a really dark park :p I pulled up to the van and Matthew got the cables all attached. We let the truck run for a bit and tried to start the van. Nothing. We ended up trying for a good 30 minutes or so. We were ready to give up when Matthew decided to try a cold start. He unhooked the cables to the truck battery and attached the jumper cables. Nope. By this point all power my van did have was completely gone and we were making plans to purchase a new battery. I suggested calling roadside assistance but Matthew wanted to just go home. The plan was for me to take Jared and Aaron to the house and then come back for Peter and Matthew. I got the two boys loaded into the truck and it wouldn’t start. Matthew wasn’t able to get the cables back on well enough for it to start. Road side assistance was our only option at that point. It was about 12:30 by then. Aaron fell asleep in the truck while I was on the phone with them. ETA was another 45 minutes. We all piled into the van, locked all the doors and tried to rest until help arrived. Peter woke up just as the Rescue Ranger guy was just about there at 1:45. He was able to jump start both cars in a blink! He’d popped Matthew’s cables into place and charged it right up!

I’d texted Mom while we were waiting to let her know that I wouldn’t be ready by 9. She was staying at Mike’s house and was going to be dropped off at 6 am when Dad headed to the airport. We got home after 2 by the time all the paperwork was done. We’d just walked in the door and gotten the boys settled when Mom texted me back asking if we were still stuck. I had sat down to feed Peter some more and txted back and forth with her before we finally went to bed sometime after 3.  What a night!! My new goal for leaving was noon.

Amazingly I woke up just before 6:30 and Mom hadn’t arrived yet. I unlocked a door and sent her a txt to let her know then went back to bed. I woke up about 9:30 to Aaron screaming at Jared to stop.  Ugh. I came down the hall quite grumpy. I was surprised to see Mom there because I hadn’t heard her come in at all though it turns out she’d gotten there right after I went back to bed. They were just pulling into the complex when I sent the txt. She laid down on the floor and fell asleep until the boys got up.

We spent the next few hours folding laundry and packing. Matthew helped load the car. About 12:30 we were mostly ready but Peter was also ready to eat so I sat down to feed him really well in hopes we wouldn’t have to stop any time soon. And by now everyone else was hungry too so Mom made sandwiches for us. It was almost 2 when we finally got in the car. We got gas and were officially on our way.

We were two hours down the road approaching Price when we got a potty break request as well as a “feed me” from Peter. We decided to stop at Arby’s for an early dinner. We ended up with a TWO (2)!! HOUR break. I had been the one driving but by the time we were ready to get back in the car I was really tired so Mom drove. It had been my intent to sleep but once we got going we started talking and I didn’t feel so tired any more. We stopped again near Moab. Peter had fallen asleep recently so I’d hoped we could make it a quick potty stop and move on but having to go in shifts made it so by the time second shift came back Peter’s diaper needed changed and he was ready to eat. There were things the boys wanted to explore so it gave them a chance to stretch their legs. That stop was only 45 minutes. Peter could have eaten longer but I decided he was satisfied enough that if he wanted more he could have a bottle. My hope was that he’d go back to sleep quickly. Jared ended up giving him a bottle.  

We hit the half way point and I started losing track of time. The boys were starting to get bored so I put in an audio book. A couple of chapters in and I fell asleep. We stopped at a 7/11 in Shiprock about 10:30. It was a repeat of our last stop except when I tried to use their restroom they’d just finished cleaning it and wouldn’t let me because they were about to close. We were close enough to our destination it wasn’t a big deal but a little irritating. Not much later we arrived into town and stopped at Wal-mart for an air mattress. We pulled into Gma’s right at midnight.

Peter had gotten pretty upset at WM b/c he wanted to eat but that didn’t stop Gma from wanting to hold him when we got inside J It was tender watching her with him. By the time we got everything in, settled with beds made and in them it was after 2 again. I was so tired!

When I finally got up it was about 9:30, and I was glad to hear church didn’t start until 1. We had a nice leisurely morning and managed to all be ready and out the door by 12:55. We arrived during the opening song. I was surprised that Aaron wanted to stay for Primary, but it was our intent to leave after Sacrament mtg. We were headed out the door when I spotted my San Marcos Institute Director’s wife in the hallway. I was so excited to see her! I had wondered if I would get to see them while I was in town. She was talking to someone in the hall so I waited stood by her and waited for the conversation to end when I said her name. She turned around to see me, and then she really saw me and her face lit with recognition. I just about lost it while I hugged her. We had a nice visit with hopes of another one at their home before I leave town. 

expectations

I should be sleeping. I was tired before I went to bed. My mind is wandering. The crickets are singing outside my window and I realized they help it feel like summer. I haven't seen any lightening bugs here. They were part of what made last summer feel so magical. Last summer was filled with catching fireflies, biking, swimming, eating farm fresh produce, road trips, and happiness. I have tried to recreate a similar experience this year, but it just isn't living up to my expectations.

Aaron learned how to ride a bike yesterday. He still needs help getting started but his stamina is increasing, and I have been itching to get out and be active again so tonight the boys and I went for a walk around the complex. I pushed Peter in the stroller while they rode their bikes. It took us about a half hour. It was just right. It felt so good to be moving. I am pretty sure I have gained back any weight I lost by having Peter. Too many sweets in the house since his birth. It will be hard to wean myself off all the sugar.

The boys have been amazing with Peter. This morning Jared told me he can hardly believe that something so small and so cute is part of our family :)

Introducing the Frog Prince

Peter S. B. was born Mon, June 30, 2014 at 8:10 am. He weighed 7 lbs 5.6 oz and is 20.5 in long. I couldn't have asked for a better birth experience. 

Sew much for more nesting

I haven't touched the sewing machine for two days now. I think I really am officially done. I even began putting away the fabric that has been sitting on the ironing board begging to be used somehow. The other day I organized all my fabric by color so when I do go back to making things perhaps it will be easier to know what I have to work with.

So, here are my final projects:

I had come across a blog/tutorial for making gauze swaddling blankets like you can buy for a LOT of money at the store. I decided to pick some of the fabric up at Joann's and make my own. I ended up getting four different colors (white is not pictured here). All I did was hem the edges. Simple, simple. My favorite is the tye-died blue/purple one. It just so happens that I received a package in the mail with the very swaddling blankets I was trying to make. I was glad to get them though so I could compare the fabrics. I would say the bought ones are a softer fabric, but gauze is also supposed to soften with each washing so mine may catch up over time. Either way, this baby will have a lot of nice blankets to be wrapped in :)

My MIL made a bean bag frog YEARS ago and gave me the pattern so I could make them for the boys. The pattern  has sat in my sewing cabinet for just as many years. I finally decided to do something with it because I wanted to make something for them. I made three - Jared's is the camo frog, Aaron's is purple, and Baby's is green like a frog. Aaron and Baby's are made from flannel so they are nice and soft. The camo is from Matthew's old BDU's. I think they turned out pretty well. 

They're supposed to be a surprise for them, and when I first started working on them I'd tell the boys it was a mess when they'd ask what I was doing, but by the third (baby's) Jared finally recognized it as a frog. I filled them with poly fil beads, and I love the way they turned out. I was going to use buttons for the eyes but I would have had to add them before sewing them all together. Even for the stuffed animal eyes I ended up emptying some of the beads in order to get the eyes done. If there is a next time, I would do the eyes either before filling or even before sewing the whole thing up. Jared's was filled from the side which makes for a cleaner stitch, but it made it much more difficult to do the eyes. The other two were filled from the top back - much easier for filling and doing the eyes.

Once the frogs were done, I had some leftover beads and decided to make some bean bags. I ended up making a total of four. They have been quite the party favor! If I had more beads I'd make more. We spent a good couple of hours today playing bean bag games.

This isn't much to look at, but it is a T-Shirt swaddler. I used an old college bookstore tshirt. I liked the video tutorial, but there were just enough unanswered questions in it that I was kind of making it up as I went along too. I am curious how it will actually function in action. It is fairly simple to make once you know what you are doing. 

Sew what have you been up to?

My nesting bug has been going really strong the last two weeks. Aside from packing bags and cleaning house, most of my time has been spent at the sewing machine. The funny thing is that except for the items I already made and posted, none of it is for me! I am finding all these cute fabrics in my stash for baby girl stuff and not a lot for boys so there's isn't a lot of motivation to make anything for myself/baby.

It began with a phone call from my mom about a baby carrier I made and gave to my sister in law who did not want it. We decided to see if my friend M wanted it, which she did. So I decided to make a coordinating bag to go with it.

One side

It was a fairly quick project to put together but I ended up spending all day on it because I had to make it smaller than the pattern called for and didn't reduce the size of the casing for the strap. I ended up having to take it all apart so i could fix that. The sad thing was I'd figured all that out ahead of time but still forgot to account for it :/ Oh well. I like the final product.

other side

inside (and totally reversible)

I get a weekly email from a quilting website with different project ideas. Normally when I look through them I don't find anything I really want to do, but this time I saw one that was simple and kept it in an open tab for awhile before deciding to tackle it. Again, for my friend M because she's having a girl and I have so much cute girly fabric and I wanted to start downsizing my stash. It is called Paisley Squares and Bars.

Instead of quilting the squares I tied them with pink thread.

I had hoped to surprise her with the blanket but ended up needing her opinion on whether or not to use the polka dot fabric and what to use for the binding. I am pretty impressed with myself that I finished it in about a week.

Back view

tagged

Once the blanket was finished I had all these scraps and material pieces left that I wanted to use up, so I decided to make some coordinating baby toys: fabric blocks and links. The boys helped me stuff them :)

And then, I had also been wanting to make her a circle skirt. And since our babies will be here in time for the 4th of July, I decided to make her a holiday skirt. I couldn't quit there though and decided to include a hair bow and shoes.(I didn't include a band b/c she makes her own and I didn't have the right kind of elastic so I figured she could finish it off.) By the time I was done with the hair bow I was tired. I had spent everything in me, so I didn't end up making the shoes. Oh well.

 I mailed her package off yesterday and it should arrive sometime tomorrow. I sat at my sewing area last night trying to figure out something to sew for myself, but didn't come up with anything. I think I am done. I am tired and the desire is pretty nil. Guess it is time to focus on my boys and enjoy the summer with them before little one turns our world upside down.

Sew Busy

Part of my nesting has been utilizing my sewing stash - fabrics I bought when Jared was tiny that have sat unused taking up space and weight. Since we're having another boy they might as well get used even if it is dated. Baby won't care. So, here are the goods so far...

Boppy Pillow Cover (tutorial courtesy of sewleelaa.blogspot.com)

Top of boppy

Bottom with an opening flap to slip the cover in and out. There are lots of tutorials that include a zipper, but I just wasn't interested in going there. Fold over flap was much more my speed.

Aaron insisted on sleeping with it that night :) He looks kind of cozy snuggled up with it.

Baby Blanket

Baby Fabric Rings/Chains (instructions courtesy of http://www.makeit-loveit.com) 

These were pretty simple in concept and execution but a major pain to actually sew shut. I have three more links I could have added but decided I was done. Next time I make them I will add the step of folding down the ends when I sew the strips. The ones that happened to already have a sewn edge seemed to be easier to work with when I linked them.

Quack, quack

My ducks are starting to line up.

I have decided on the midwife practice closest to our home. The hospital is about 15 minutes away in rush hour and five off time. They are doing a water birth study so that may be an option for me when the time comes. The thing I am most troubled by is that there are nine in the practice and with only a few weeks remaining, I will not get the chance to meet them all. I realized recently though that every single delivery has been with a physician I didn't know. I guess it won't really be an issue. My first appt isn't until next Thursday but I am ok with that since at the meet and greet I went to on Monday for another office, the midwife listened baby's heart and checked his position. I was glad she offered because it has been about a month since my last appt and I am at the stage where we are supposed to meet every two weeks. Another two wks and it will be weekly. Last night Jared told me he can't believe bday will be here in another three weeks (assuming he comes as early as Aaron did.) I am not feeling the same sense of urgency I had been so maybe I will have more time than I thought.

I had been dealing with a kinked back ever since I got sick, but it finally seems to have adjusted. I worked on my sleeping positions and decided laying in bed all day wasn't helping so I decided to be active anyway. Between the two I think it worked.I am walking pretty much pain free now. Yay!!

With the return of mobility I have started some serious baby prep. Last Saturday Matthew took another large pile to the storage so the living room is almost completely clear.I haven't done much with it since except vacuum and a little bit of tidying.I did find a rocking chair I liked last week at good will. If I hadn't put up the back seat in preparation for putting in the baby seat I would have brought it home already. Assuming it is still there anyway.

This week I pulled out the co-sleeper I scored off free cycle. When I opened it up I was disappointed to realize all the pieces weren't with it. I did a search on eBay and could purchase the missing pieces but first I wanted to see if I could find them. And the trick was finding them. There were two gift bags that came with it and I had them in the basement.the big question was which box they got packed in. The more boxes I have opened the more frustrated I have gotten with the packers. All of the basement boxes were already in the storage unit so I was really hoping they weren't in one of the boxes that we made completely inaccessible. Thankfully it turned out ok. I had kept all the kitchen boxes close to the front in case I needed to access them and that's where I ended up finding them. All the pieces were accounted for plus some. These people spent a fortune! By the end of yesterday I just needed to prep my bed to attach it and that will be one more thing off my list.

Finding a pediatrician was taken care of today. I needed to schedule a consult to renew Jareds prescription so that appt will be on Tue.

The big thing left are to sort and wash baby clothes and pick a bag then I will be ready!

Of course the other big things on my mind this week are preparing a talk and a music lesson for Sunday :p

Rattled and riddled

Once again my mind is riddled with thoughts keeping me from returning to sleep after waking. Yesterday I met with a midwife group attached to a local teaching hospital. I found their general philosophy seemed to match mine and the hospital wasn't too bad though the labor room was small. It did have a tub and rocking chair, but no place for Matthew really. Tomorrow I meet with another group. Sunday I had a conversation with a lady who works in the maternity ward and recommended a group south of us. I searched online and think I found them. This lady didn't give specific names but the one I found is a group of two which is much more in line with what I would prefer. The other two groups are large practices allowing very little opportunity to get to know each midwife.

The advantage of the teaching hospital is that it is the only baby friendly certified hospital in Utah and is natural birth friendly. The disadvantage is it a teaching hospital and is 20+ minutes away though it is really close to where Matthew works. This would actually be an advantage if I were to labor during the day but my history tells me it will happen at night. The other hospital is only 10 minutes away during the day. The lady I talked with on Sunday said the staff there is good but routine driven and I would have to fight for what I want which is not the atmosphere I want at all. But I know so much of the experience is dependent on my head team ie the midwives. The third hospital is about 25 minutes away but is a newer hospital with larger and nicer rooms.

Before waking up tonight I was dreaming that I was in a birthing class and it was time to test what we knew and actually go into labor. I wanted so much for my body to function on its own but I just didn't have enough time. Here lies the heart of my stress. In New Jersey I felt completely comfortable with my midwives and the idea of a home birth. I think I could have reasonably expected a very positive and textbook kind of labor - one that mirrored my last miscarriage. Here in Utah the home birth midwives scare me, leaving me with only the hospital for an option. I want to be able to labor at home as long as possible but I don't want to put myself in a position of hitting transition in transit either.

Before leaving NJ I came to believe that my labor experience with my last miscarriage was such a positive one because I was completely open and ready for it. I think Aaron's mimicked Jared's because I wasn't emotionally and mentally ready to go through the experience again. It worked out in that my overall experience was much better but I still ended up with pitocin. I so much want this time to be "textbook" (natural) too. I am realizing my anxiety about having to deliver in the hospital may be my downfall. I have also come to realize that I am the only one who counts my miscarriage experience as valid history because I went through it alone. My family's experience is limited to my two living children, thus the kind of comments I get are more mocking in nature at the idea that my body will do anything different than their experience with me indicates. The task then is to believe in myself and my body and not allow those hurtful comments to undermine my strength.

My hope is that I will be able to get over the fact I have to deliver in the hospital and find the right fit for me. I think this will alleviate a lot of stress and enable me to come back to that core feeling of peace and strength. Maybe I will even quit having worrisome labor and delivery dreams too because I will feel like my ducks are in a row.

Mother's Day wish

For Mother's Day I told Matthew I want a living room (ie boxes unpacked and space. We got rid of our couches and most of the other large furniture. I don't expect a couch for tomorrow, but at least a spot we could put one.) We are almost there!! We spent most of the early afternoon moving boxes to the storage unit and shed. There aren't as many boxes left, and we can finally fill the bookshelves (which will clear out a lot of the boxes that are left to unpack).

I started on the task of opening all the living room book boxes thinking this part would be just a matter of figuring out which box came from which book shelf. Unfortunately I was wrong. The packers mixed books that were on the book shelf with books that were already in boxes not to be shelved.... frustrating. My easy task has turned into another monster to fight, so I decided to give myself a much needed break and put my feet up in bed and hang out on the computer.

My overall feeling about the hiring moving/packers experience is that it really is a great help, but there's a lot of things that have been frustrating too (like them unpacking filled boxes and mixing them in other boxes or totes as well as not always labeling things clearly) Argh.

Anyway....

Matthew also wanted to take the boys to Ensign Peak today. I wasn't invited due to the breathing challenge just moving boxes poses ;) He told the boys I'd still be on the way up when they'd be ready to come down :) We went to a local park Thursday evening and walked their 2/3rd of a mile trail (uphill on one side) and it posed quite the challenge for me. I think it was pretty eye opening for Matthew too.  Between the altitude, my congestion, and the baby in my ribs I just don't have a lot of breath to work with (not to mention the waddle in my walk from a kinked back). On one hand I'm disappointed I didn't get to go with them, but on the other it really is wiser for me not to.

Wednesday evening I was concerned I was going into pre-term labor. I was having a lot of cramps and some stronger contractions. After eating dinner, I laid in bed and drank water the rest of the night. By the morning the contractions had subsided, but there was still a little bit of cramping feeling. I did a major shopping trip to stock up after dropping the boys off at school, then slept off and on throughout the day and generally took it easy (until Matthew got home and we hit the park.) Aside from being really tired the rest of the week, I think I've recovered from Wed's scare. It is quite the balancing act between putting the house in order and keeping my body in order :/

Time can do so much...

Another post I didn't get to finish but will publish anyway. 

Written Thurs, May 1, 2014

It is hard to believe we have been in UT for over a week now. I suppose after all I've put my body through with the move, a week of illness is just pay. Unfortunately it is not a pleasant thing and it will make its rounds through the family. My sweet Aaron will be its next victim - the price of his affection.

Here's more of the story:

Matthew finally received orders on Mon, March 31st with a travel date of Thurs, April 3rd - just enough time for us to get our ducks in a row before he left. Tues we went to the travel office and found out that packers would come Thurs, April 10th and the movers on Mon, the 14th. Seems I was right about moving during spring break. I had finally wrapped my brain around the idea that I'd be in NJ til the end of the month and then all of a sudden I was faced with the daunting task of needing to be ready in a little over a week!

It would seem that having someone else move you would make things so much easier, but it really quite overwhelmed me. We had a weight limit of 9000 lbs and anything not going was to be purged before packers arrived. Thankfully we had a great set of people to work with and they were quite accommodating in the end.

I am grateful to my mom and all she did to help with this transition. She was supposed to come on Sat, the 12th but by Mon the 7th I knew I was in way over my head and was prepared to call her and ask her to come sooner when she called first. The flights were full so she'd have to come Wed. Perfecto! She was a lifesaver! Between the two of us we were able to get everything done. She could keep going when I could not and vice versa.

"Hear my Cries!"

Written Wed, March 26th. It is an incomplete thought, but one that I wanted to post anyway.

The other day I had a a certain phrase from a song stuck in my head that felt particular fitting. It was a hymn/spiritual of some sort and all I get is the pleading sound of "Hear my cry! Hear my cry!"

In my post a few weeks back announcing my pregnancy, I mentioned that Matthew was supposed to be going on active duty orders at the end of March though things rarely work out the way they seem. How prophetic. Soon after that he came home and told me that the unit could not get the money to fund it though they tried. Money is in the till, just not in that category to spend. We thought he'd be going back to the pest control but they did figure out a way to keep him on for another few weeks, at least until all the avenues dried up. Thursday was his last day of work, though he will not return to the pest control company any time soon. Pull up a chair. Here's the story.

We love New Jersey. We love the people, the area, the schools. What we do not like is the cost of living. Last year wasn't a big deal because we shared the house with another family and we were able to maintain a savings. Since moving into our own place that almost doubled what we paid in rent, our funds have been slowly drying up. Enter a year of active duty with Matthew's unit, answer solved. Or so we thought. When we got the news that Matthew would not be going on active duty status, I began entertaining the idea of working for a temp agency or teaching piano again (the local teacher just moved so timing would work and I could take the summer off with the newborn and start again in the fall) but it just wasn't sitting right. By the end of Feb we were wondering how we were going to continue to financially support ourselves. I quit grocery shopping and we started living off our food storage. Let me tell you, THRIVE's powdered milk is pretty darn good!

I've mentioned before the faith it took to pay our tithing and the blessings that seemed to come immediately from exercising that faith. I wasn't going to let time pass again before paying, but I did after all. The money just was not there to pay tithing and meet all our obligations. I actually drew strength from my own witness and testimony that our family can not afford to NOT pay tithing and took a leap of faith.

One night at the beginning of March I prayed that we'd be able to meet our financial obligations. I believe it was the next morning that I went to work for the lady in our ward whom I've helped off and on by cleaning her house. I was looking forward to the work because we'd have some cash to buy some groceries but I was concerned how my body would handle the physical demands. Thankfully it handled it well except for being really tired at the end of the day. (But even that was a gift because it got me moving and active on the days thereafter.) Anyway, that morning while I was cleaning I got a text from Matthew asking if I could talk. After a little bit of phone tag we were able to get a hold of each other. He told me that he had received an email informing him of a 6 month active duty assignment in Salt Lake and wondered if he should apply. My first thought was, J is in Utah. And so is my brother. The catch was that the start date was March 31st - just a few weeks away. Over the course of the day, we'd talk back and forth about the implications of a PCS to UT and whether he'd go or we all go. I texted my brother and J to get a feel for how far away they were from SLC. It was mind boggling.  I hadn't told the lady I work for that I was pregnant yet and at one point the opportunity came up for me to share the offer being presented and at the same time let her know about the baby. The fact that I am due right in the middle of the assignment just really complicated things. So bang, all in one fell swoop she found out I am expecting and possibly moving. I suppose it was the best way to tell her. We talked some more about and bounced ideas off each other the next day over lunch.

The email came on Thursday, March 6th and the application closed Monday, the 10th. We had a few days to figure out if he should even apply to the position. All throughout that period, NO ONE had submitted an application. Matthew was pretty sure he'd get it if he was the only applicant. Here are the pros - he held all the qualifications for the job. In fact, it was what he'd been working on with the unit since being on orders in Feb. As a PCS, the military would pay for the move. He'd be on active duty orders for 181 days - full Army benefits, plus the length of time needed to receive Veteran status and thereby receive Veteran benefits, AND it will make him more qualified for the full time positions he's been eyeing for years but never quite qualified for. In the end, he applied. I figured it was kind of like the New Jersey thing - if it was what was right for our family, then it would happen otherwise it wouldn't.

Every day has been filled with questions of logistics and what if's and what should we's... I worried about doing the single parent thing again and having a baby with/out Matthew. The more I researched schools and midwives in UT, the more anxious and agitated and overwhelmed I felt. Here is a journal entry I wrote a week after learning about the position:

THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2014

Last night as the winds swirled outside, the phrase 'whirlwind adventure' came coming to mind as I thought about the possibility of a 6 mo PCS to UT in our very near future. So many unanswered questions and not a lot of time to figure it all out.

In other news, I finally announced on FB about being pregnant. I am not sure if sharing my blog post about it was the right decision but it is done.

We went and toured the hospital Tuesday night. The boys behaved pretty well. I was pleased :) The next day I asked them what they thought of the experience and Jared said, Lucky. Another voiced opinion was excited. I think it made it more real for them - at least for Jared because up until yesterday he really didn't seem to show much interest in the baby. I was laying on the couch and Jared was working on homework at the computer. Baby was bumping around and I called Aaron over to feel. Jared came too. Baby quieted down again but Jared waited there awhile. I told him that he could talk to the baby. He wasn't quite sure what to say and I could tell he felt awkward and embarrassed. Finally I sent him away and told him I'd call him back over if he started moving again. Turns out that every time I sat up he'd move. About the same time as discovering this, Jared had turned on his band music to listen to while he worked. Soon I called him over and he was able to feel this little one a couple of times. I'm glad he got to experience that :)

As for my feelings about the hospital tour, well... it is a great facility. But I felt uncomfortable there and it kind of solidified my feelings about a home birth. I think I finally figured out why. At my appt with the midwife last week I discussed Matthew's concerns about a homebirth. She assured me that most calls to transfer to the hospital happen early enough that can be done calmly. If it really is an emergency transfer than they call the closest hospital to have them prep the OR. But even in a hospital it takes 30 minutes to prep for a C-Section which would be our travel time. One of the reasons for transfer would be failure to progress, so I shared with her my previous birth experiences and wondered how that would be weighed. We discussed it and she said it is possible that I petered out because I was disrupted and distracted by the transition to the hospital. Another possibility is that I am just one of those women who has a really long early labor, but the fact that my water broke put me on a clock. It might be a different experience staying home.

As we went through the hospital and the more our guide talked, I thought about the conversation with the midwife and my experience with the miscarriages and realized I really liked being at home and doing my own thing. That night Matthew asked me what I thought and I shared with him this conclusion and I think he got it. In the morning I told him that I felt very uncomfortable delivering in the hospital and that it wasn't the place for me. He joked that maybe that had something to do with moving to UT :)

I feel very torn about the move. I want to go as a family, but I don't want to take Jared away from band and the research I've done for midwives makes me feel anxious and upset. The highly recommended ones take very few clients and even less insurance. I'd have to pay out of pocket. With the fact that most of my pgcy is over, I'd hope they would pro-rate it. My next appt is April 1st and is in conjunction with my big blood draw and testing. Really the only expenses left should be the final visits, birth, and postpartum. I talked to Mom yesterday to find out if she'd be willing to come and stay with us in June if Matthew goes by himself. She is willing. In some ways I think that'd be the easiest option, but I also don't necessarily feel like that is the best option.

Friday night or Saturday morning I was praying about it, and the thought that came immediately to mind was that we will go and everything will turn out fine. I felt much more at peace at that point and decided to quit researching and wait for orders and answers to all our questions. We spent Saturday evening emptying out the storage unit. Jared and I were alone in the van so I talked to him about the situation and how he felt about it. He said he thinks we'll go, but he'd prefer not to say why. He recognizes that there are pros and cons to the move. The biggest pro is that the ****  are there, though we'd still be a good enough distance away that we still probably wouldn't see each other as much as we'd like. Although with summer's free schedule, maybe we would.

On Sunday the topic for Sacrament mtg was the Atonement. The sister spoke about using the Atonement for its ENABLING power, not just its healing power. The final speakers shared his recent experience regarding losing his job and finding new employment. He recounted the move to get him here and shared that two weeks before they were to come, the apartment complex contacted them and denied their application. After scrambling they found another one and discovered another member family in the complex whom they became really great friends with. At one point they shared their experience with the denied application and the family responded that they know why it happened. They had been praying for a family to move in that they could be friends with. Basically they had prayed this family to that apartment. His point was that sometimes our trials are an answer to another's prayers. The closing song was I'll Go Where You Want me to Go. I looked at Matthew and laughed. It seemed the talks and song for that morning were meant for us.

As I've thought about the growth and realizations from reading the Book of Mormon over the last 40 days, I try to draw on the same strength that Nephi had. He trusted the Lord and was willing to do whatever was asked because the Lord would see him through it. I need that kind of faith too. Yes it scary and overwhelming, but it will all work together for our good.

The person in charge of hiring had been on TDY but arrived home and contacted Matthew on Monday, the 17th. Turns out there was one other applicant, but she seemed to indicate a preference for Matthew. Tues afternoon Matthew received an official offer for the position which he accepted and the paperwork dance and real decision process began.

These were basically our options: Matthew goes by himself the entire 6 mo; We go with him right off; He goes first and we follow (when?). If we move out too, do we put all of our stuff in storage here and rent a furnished place there or take everything with us? Do we rent a small place and put our stuff in storage there? What is going to happen after the 6 months? Will we return or stay there longer? What do we do with our current lease?

As each day passed, it seemed like our thoughts and plans would morph until they fit the Sculptor's design. It has been an interesting process. I feel like we've been guided but in such a way that we were to figure it out on our own at the same time. Conversations here and there as I gleaned for input and information clarified thoughts in my mind. After almost a week break of not thinking about the move, I started browsing zillow and craigslist again. It no longer felt so stressful. I sent out emails to school districts regarding band programs and focused on housing within those school boundaries that offered band. I learned all I could about different schools, their demographics, curriculum, and general reviews. I figured out which areas were the quickest commute to the unit and started learning the city by area. I got to the point where it wasn't enough to just make lists of places that looked good, I had to start making phone calls and sifting through everything I'd harvested.

After a conversation with a friend, it became clear that we should take everything with us because we don't know what will happen after the 6 months. Since the military will pay for us to move back, we wouldn't be out anything by taking it. If for some reason we stay, our belongings would not be split across the country. And if our stuff needs to go to storage in UT, so be it.

As for our current lease, I'd thought of seeing if we could make a deal with the landlord to maybe pay half rent to maintain our claim, but thought it wouldn't be fair to him if we didn't come back. One of my concerns was moving back to NJ in October and not being able to find decent housing because moving season was over. But I also trusted that we'd find what we needed to. Even if we renewed the lease, next year we'd have to move to a bigger place with a third youngster running around. I went ahead and notified our landlord of the possibility we would not renew due to the possible orders, but that we weren't sure if they'd really happen. He is such a nice man and has been very patient with us.