Life and Death

Some people measure time from January to January, but mine is marked by moves and major events. A year ago I sat in the doctor's office anxiouly waiting the visual on the screen and the hummingbird speed of a heartbeat sound, but found heartache instead. The last year has been a very difficult one, colored with a lot of sadness and raw feelings. Throwing a baby in the mix of the last year would have been even harder. Sometimes loss is a gift. We are in a season of change and growth which is never easy.

Among other things, I have been grappling with the idea of letting go of fertility and the idea of ever having a daughter of my own. I was at the children's museum yesterday on a rare day off with my four year old. It was crowded with toddlers, babies, and young parents or grandparents. I felt old and done. My mental and physical health is just not the best these days.When growing babies has been the center of your life for twenty years, it is a huge adjustment to say goodbye to diapers for good and focus on just raising your family even though you thought someone was missing. It is a different kind of grief.

In the spring around the time I was due, several ladies from church were working on babies too and I'd babysit while they went to appointments. P would tell the kids that our baby died. Then it seemed like he forgot and never brought it up again. Last night out of the blue, he mentioned it again. A year almost to the day. I scooped him in my arms and held back tears.