Fighting

I have been really struggling the last month for a variety of reasons, but I am coming to an understanding about myself.  I've been dealing with anxiety and depression. The more I've thought about it, I think I am on the spectrum for anxiety disorder but I've dealt with it in a somewhat healthy way up until now. It is hard to distinguish where it ends and begins. As I've sifted through my thoughts, one thing that is clear to me is that spirituality feeds me. It really makes or breaks me, and unfortunately I have been starving my spirit. I make token measures to rekindle good spiritual habits over the last few years, but they are not part of me like they have in the past. In an effort to force myself into the scriptures, I began a scripture study class after we moved here. For a few weeks it helped me make scripture time a priority, but then I lost it as others took their turns for teaching. When it was my turn to teach again, it helped to bring me back in. My chapters focused on the Savior (as so many do) and this particular focus brought me to a conviction again but it still didn't instill a habit.

The first Sunday of December I focused my fast on me. I recognized I needed help. Having that moment to myself with the Lord in prayer began breaking down a wall. I found that I had a moment in the mornings to myself that I could dedicate to prayer and scriptures study. It really has helped to have those moments to myself and to work on establishing a habit again. Having the scripture study class allowed me to have a "reason" or focus to my study too, but then Christmas break has kind of put a wrench in it. I was able to keep up for the most part but I lost my consecutive days reading streak a few days ago and am now trying to get back on track. My reading schedule has been scripture class assignment Mon - Thurs and then the other days are focused on Sunday lessons assignments.

Today I had the quiet time in the morning to read again, so I decided to read the Sunday School assignment for tomorrow. We are doing the Book of Mormon again, so I am excited to double up on it. Since it is the first lesson of the year, it's an introduction lesson. Honestly while I was reading today it wasn't penetrating until I came to the ones from D&C 84. These particular verses stood out to me:

D&C 84:54,61

54 And your minds in times past have been darkened because of unbelief, and because you have treated lightly the things you have received—
 61 For I will forgive you of your sins with this commandment—that you remain steadfast in your minds in solemnity and the spirit of prayer, in bearing testimony to all the world of those things which are communicated unto you.

I had to read those several times, but I have no doubt the Lord was speaking to me. It's true. My mind has been darkened because of unbelief and not taking things seriously enough to change me. He gives me the answer too: steadfastness (having faith), prayer, and sharing my testimony. Tomorrow is testimony meeting. Guess I'll be sharing. But the other place my testimony that needs to be shared is in my own home. The experience I referenced earlier about conviction actually left me with the impression that I needed to do more at home to focus on the Savior and the gospel but nothing changed. I think part of the message being communicated to me today is that it needs to happen. The gospel needs to be a priority. 

I need to explore this some more and make an actual plan for fruition. But for now, my thoughts are at least turned to the Lord and on 'paper'.