Rattled and riddled

Once again my mind is riddled with thoughts keeping me from returning to sleep after waking. Yesterday I met with a midwife group attached to a local teaching hospital. I found their general philosophy seemed to match mine and the hospital wasn't too bad though the labor room was small. It did have a tub and rocking chair, but no place for Matthew really. Tomorrow I meet with another group. Sunday I had a conversation with a lady who works in the maternity ward and recommended a group south of us. I searched online and think I found them. This lady didn't give specific names but the one I found is a group of two which is much more in line with what I would prefer. The other two groups are large practices allowing very little opportunity to get to know each midwife.

The advantage of the teaching hospital is that it is the only baby friendly certified hospital in Utah and is natural birth friendly. The disadvantage is it a teaching hospital and is 20+ minutes away though it is really close to where Matthew works. This would actually be an advantage if I were to labor during the day but my history tells me it will happen at night. The other hospital is only 10 minutes away during the day. The lady I talked with on Sunday said the staff there is good but routine driven and I would have to fight for what I want which is not the atmosphere I want at all. But I know so much of the experience is dependent on my head team ie the midwives. The third hospital is about 25 minutes away but is a newer hospital with larger and nicer rooms.

Before waking up tonight I was dreaming that I was in a birthing class and it was time to test what we knew and actually go into labor. I wanted so much for my body to function on its own but I just didn't have enough time. Here lies the heart of my stress. In New Jersey I felt completely comfortable with my midwives and the idea of a home birth. I think I could have reasonably expected a very positive and textbook kind of labor - one that mirrored my last miscarriage. Here in Utah the home birth midwives scare me, leaving me with only the hospital for an option. I want to be able to labor at home as long as possible but I don't want to put myself in a position of hitting transition in transit either.

Before leaving NJ I came to believe that my labor experience with my last miscarriage was such a positive one because I was completely open and ready for it. I think Aaron's mimicked Jared's because I wasn't emotionally and mentally ready to go through the experience again. It worked out in that my overall experience was much better but I still ended up with pitocin. I so much want this time to be "textbook" (natural) too. I am realizing my anxiety about having to deliver in the hospital may be my downfall. I have also come to realize that I am the only one who counts my miscarriage experience as valid history because I went through it alone. My family's experience is limited to my two living children, thus the kind of comments I get are more mocking in nature at the idea that my body will do anything different than their experience with me indicates. The task then is to believe in myself and my body and not allow those hurtful comments to undermine my strength.

My hope is that I will be able to get over the fact I have to deliver in the hospital and find the right fit for me. I think this will alleviate a lot of stress and enable me to come back to that core feeling of peace and strength. Maybe I will even quit having worrisome labor and delivery dreams too because I will feel like my ducks are in a row.