On the couch with Dr. B ~

Confession Time.

A few months ago, I attended a Primary Leadership meeting and received a small goodie bag as a token of appreciation for my service in the organization. Contained in this bag were 2 or three cookies and some brownies. I had the cookies after the meeting, then that night I ate all the rest of the goodies. I did not want them. I wanted them gone so they'd no longer be a temptation. I told myself I didn't need them and that if I don't eat them now they will still be there when I do want them. By the end of the night though, they were all gone and I felt so sick and disgusted with myself I seriously considered making myself throw up. This surprised even myself and sent red flags all over my brain. I did not do it. But, I realized that I had a problem and needed to do something about it. I was out of control. I joined sparkpeople - a free website that has food, weight, and exercise tracking tools. I was good about keeping it updated for about 3 days before it felt time consuming and overwhelming. So, I quit. And as the days go on, my eating habits have not changed.

I just finished a 9 week Biggest Loser contest, so each week I have watched my weight go up by degrees, but still somewhat consistently at 153 pounds. I did not weigh in last week, but I weighed on my mom's scale last night. 160 pounds. This morning I weighed on my bathroom scale that is a few pounds below what the Wii is measuring. 155 pounds. I must accept the fact that I am going to be back where I was last January if I don't stop. I MUST exercise some discipline and self-control. Walking each morning has been enough to barely hold on, but everyday the walk has been getting harder. It should be getting easier!! My baggy clothes are starting to fit better and my others are getting tighter.

I want to start doing P90X again b/c I know that will help target the areas that the fat is collecting, plus it is a more vigorous exercise. I just don't want to do it alone. And I am dreading the sore muscles that will come as my body gets used to it again. I also want to get back on Weight Watchers. I think I am ready. It is familiar. With sparkpeople I had to worry about calories and re-do everything. WW will have saved my profile and contain all the foods I had before. My brain is used to thinking in terms of points. My big set-back is the monthly fee. We -I - just do not have the money to maintain the program. Right now they are having the no sign up fee special. It costs $54 for the 3 months. I usually get $50 for Christmas from my parents, so that is what I plan on spending it on. I just don't know if I can afford to wait that long - physically.

With my bulimia incident, I realized that my perceptions about weight - and the reasons for weightloss - had changed over time. Up to that point, I was still trying to 'be good'. But I think to counter my obsession, I let go of all concern about weight and food intake. As a result the climb began a little more steadily. I have been analyzing and evaluating some experiences that shape the thought processes and have encouraged some of my new weight gain. To the whys:

It still throws me off when I hear people - strangers, or people not in my closer circle of friends - call me or refer to me as thin or skinny. One night with one such reference, in jest a person said, 'You're thin so that means we don't like you.' I realized how awful the prejudice is that overweight people can have against thinner people. I have felt those same feelings of jealousy and intimidation that can come from being around thinner people, but I realized they are unfair. Thin people are people with feelings too. It was a little bit shocking and hurt my feelings to be told that someone wouldn't like me because of my stature.

Now that I'm writing this, I can't remember the specifics of another chink to my motivation. I know it has to do with jokes/comments that are made regarding my weight loss from people closer to me. The end result is that I feel like I have to eat more to feel accepted.

I am a people pleaser. I want others to be happy, so I will do what it takes to make sure that happens - even at my own expense (or even my family's). Helping ensure the happiness of others is not a bad thing. However, I think in this case I need to not worry so much about what others think and just be happy myself. This is a very hard thing for me to do.

Another big contribution is stress - stress over finances. Money is more than tight and as a result I've got a two edged sword going. I am constantly thinking of ways to save money and make the food stretch, and I'm making a lot more of my own food: bread, tortillas, milk, beans, cottage cheese is my latest - and so I feel like it is more expenable. MMM homemade bread and tortillas are the best!! Very yummy - very not good to eat a lot of. I've made a lot of cookies lately too. Again, yummy but not good for the smaller tummy.

In the past it has helped me to be able to identify the causes behind the not-for-nourishment food intake. Once I know the reasons, I can stop the eating. Hopefully having penned this will do the same.

Red Alert!

*deep breath*

.....Exhale.....

Don't panic. Don't cry.
Look down.

*deep breath*

.....Exhale.....

Don't panic. Don't cry.
You are better than that.
You are stronger than this.

*deep breath*

.....Exhale.....

Don't panic. Don't cry.
Turn around and walk away.

*deep breath*

.....Exhale.....

Don't panic. Don't cry.
Keep walking.