Some people measure time from January to January, but mine is marked by moves and major events. A year ago I sat in the doctor's office anxiouly waiting the visual on the screen and the hummingbird speed of a heartbeat sound, but found heartache instead. The last year has been a very difficult one, colored with a lot of sadness and raw feelings. Throwing a baby in the mix of the last year would have been even harder. Sometimes loss is a gift. We are in a season of change and growth which is never easy.
Among other things, I have been grappling with the idea of letting go of fertility and the idea of ever having a daughter of my own. I was at the children's museum yesterday on a rare day off with my four year old. It was crowded with toddlers, babies, and young parents or grandparents. I felt old and done. My mental and physical health is just not the best these days.When growing babies has been the center of your life for twenty years, it is a huge adjustment to say goodbye to diapers for good and focus on just raising your family even though you thought someone was missing. It is a different kind of grief.
In the spring around the time I was due, several ladies from church were working on babies too and I'd babysit while they went to appointments. P would tell the kids that our baby died. Then it seemed like he forgot and never brought it up again. Last night out of the blue, he mentioned it again. A year almost to the day. I scooped him in my arms and held back tears.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Monday, October 16, 2017
We're Pregnant!
Kinda.
Not Really.
Well, we WERE growing a baby, but it died 3 weeks ago. I'm in the very early stages of labor. As much as I actually love the experience of childbirth, I dread miscarriage labor and delivery. It's a different kind of beast. There's something beautiful and empowering about feeling your body and baby work together to bring life to the world. It isn't really pain to me. But the cramps and labor of death is lonely, heartbreaking, and painful.
It was a miraculous conception and one that was unexpected. From the moment I found out and wrapped my head around it, I wanted to start texting people that our 'insurance' (not giving away all our baby stuff before our move) didn't work. That was the first sign to me that we would probably lose this one. And then there was the spotting the weekend after I got sick. That was the second clue. I've only spotted on the babies I've lost. I thought I'd requested a blessing. Twice. But apparently I didn't communicate it clearly enough. Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. We decided to tell the Boys early on so that if we did lose the baby, they wouldn't receive two shocks at once. J was not surprised with the news. A missed the announcement. P....oh P...... I have a story about him...
A friend gave birth to a beautiful little boy right before we moved and a picture of him popped up on Facebook one morning. P saw his little face and said, "I want one of those!" I asked him if he wanted a girl baby or a boy baby. He thought for a moment, then said, "A girl." I verified he wanted a sister, not a brother. I affirmed that maybe we'll get a sister this time. I kept scrolling through FB and an ad with a cute little girl came up. He made me stop, and said "That one! I want that sister!" I laughed and said, we have to wait for baby to get big enough before she comes. Off and on throughout the day he talked about the sister that was going to come. I'd have to tell him we had to wait and let her get big enough to come home. As soon as J walked in the door from school, P excitedly told him, "We're buying a sister!" lol For several days P would talk about the sister. He was disappointed when I explained it would be a baby sister first. He wanted a girl to play with. He really misses his playmates. Then one day he grumpily said, "I don't want a sister anymore." And that was the last he spoke of her.
Everyone's life goes on and the fact that I'm pregnant is not knowledge that affects their world, only mine. I was tired. When you're trying to unpack and settle in a new home, it's hard being tired and not feeling your best. I'd nap in the afternoons and fall asleep at 9:30pm. After my sickness (maybe the flu?), I gradually started feeling better. I changed my diet and cut out sugar and most refined carbs. I noticed I had more energy and wasn't dying so early in the evening. It made me wonder.
From the beginning I prayed for strength. Strength to raise another child or strength to endure the miscarriage. My first dr's appointment was no secret, and the date loomed at me. But it really meant nothing to everyone else. One of the worst feelings is laying down on the exam table waiting to hear or see a heartbeat. The days that stretched before the appointment, I tried not to worry. The anxiety was overwhelming before P's first appointment and it made for a very difficult family life. I didn't want that again. But a few day before the appointment, the anxiety crept in. By Friday morning, I was quite emotional. I asked for another blessing. This time more explicitly. Timing was bad. It wasn't a priority, so I texted some close friends and they were my prayer warriors. I received some strength from JG especially as she passed along this msg from her prayer (Bc I didn't give her specifics, only that I had a dr's appt I was anxious about, she was getting freaked out by all the possibilities) "He just told me to get ahold of myself. He said you know I'm a good daddy and love her. I've got this!" Immediately lyrics from the song "Good Father" came to mind... "he's a good, good father" and something about him knowing me. Over and over they played as I dropped P off and drove to my appt.
This office does an ultrasound first and then a checkup. Wise. The technician couldn't get a good view from the belly, so as expected, we had to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I could see the sac and the form, but I couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or not. She took all the pictures she needed, cleaned me up and then said, "You are measuring 6 w and 3 days. I definitely see the fetal pole, but no heartbeat." Immediately another set of lyrics from "Good Father" came flooding in..."He's perfect in all of His ways." She said something about maybe the dates are off, and went to show the pictures to the midwife while I got dressed. I knew what it meant. I'm glad I had some time to cry. The midwife was sweet. Shocked to learn that I go through all the stages of labor and delivery for miscarriages.
She put in a request to check thyroid levels and is concerned that there's a reason behind 3 miscarriages. I have a follow up appointment later this week to confirm one way or another the status of this miscarriage. I'm curious what the thyroid test will tell us. I've gained well over 30 pounds since June. Most of that within a 2 month time period. One week I gained 5 pounds over a course of 3 days. It was ridiculous. I'd actually dropped 2 pounds since starting my new eating habits, but maybe it was just the beginning of the miscarriage that did it.
I took some time to process and cry before leaving to get P. I mostly held myself together. P did amazing for being with this family for the first time. He was in a good mood and wasn't ready to go to the car yet. They lived in an apartment complex on the second floor, so we climbed up and down stairs for a bit playing. We'd gotten to the top floor when he turned to me and asked, "How's your day going?" It's ok. "How was the dr appt? Good or bad?" Oh you sweet, sweet boy. Thank you for asking. It was bad. "Why was it bad?" Because our baby died. "Why did our baby die?" I don't know honey. It just happens sometimes.
We finally made it to the car and decided we needed - at least I did - some lunch. It was almost 1 at this point. He wanted to go inside and eat, so we did. Pretty soon after we got back in the car to go home dh called to find out what happened at the dr's office, so I let him know. When he got home from work we talked some more about it and what it means for our family. We need to do some more talking and a lot more praying. Yesterday after church I told J. He said, 'Guessed it.' A still doesn't know. P asked again about the dr's appt and we replayed the conversation from the other day, except I asked him why it was bad. He thought for a moment, and then said "Our baby died." That's right, buddy. "Why'd our baby die?" I don't know, honey. Sometimes it just happens. "Why" Baby's heart was broken. "Your heart's broken?" Yes, mommy's sad. Can I have a hug? He wrapped his arms around me and snuggled in. Then I shared this thought with him. Maybe, she wasn't ready to leave Heavenly Father yet. He nodded and hugged me tighter.
All weekend long I've gotten msgs from my 2 dear friends offering prayers and thoughts for me. I'm so grateful for them. On the way home from the dr's I heard a few songs that were about relying on the Savior's strength and bending to His will. Yesterday the Sacrament song had the lyric, "when his heart was stilled and broken"and I kind of lost it. One of the talks was on the enabling power of the Atonement and Grace. This is the strength I'm calling on to help me through. I was thinking about the quote that says something like, Courage is not the absence of fear but the power to follow through anyway. I decided to look it up to get it right. The true quote didn't quite fit what I wanted to say, so I looked up courage in general and a couple of scriptures popped up. One was Joshua 1:9
My contractions are getting stronger. It is time for the day to begin. All of my other miscarriages have happened in the wee hours of the night. This one may be different.
Not Really.
Well, we WERE growing a baby, but it died 3 weeks ago. I'm in the very early stages of labor. As much as I actually love the experience of childbirth, I dread miscarriage labor and delivery. It's a different kind of beast. There's something beautiful and empowering about feeling your body and baby work together to bring life to the world. It isn't really pain to me. But the cramps and labor of death is lonely, heartbreaking, and painful.
It was a miraculous conception and one that was unexpected. From the moment I found out and wrapped my head around it, I wanted to start texting people that our 'insurance' (not giving away all our baby stuff before our move) didn't work. That was the first sign to me that we would probably lose this one. And then there was the spotting the weekend after I got sick. That was the second clue. I've only spotted on the babies I've lost. I thought I'd requested a blessing. Twice. But apparently I didn't communicate it clearly enough. Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. We decided to tell the Boys early on so that if we did lose the baby, they wouldn't receive two shocks at once. J was not surprised with the news. A missed the announcement. P....oh P...... I have a story about him...
A friend gave birth to a beautiful little boy right before we moved and a picture of him popped up on Facebook one morning. P saw his little face and said, "I want one of those!" I asked him if he wanted a girl baby or a boy baby. He thought for a moment, then said, "A girl." I verified he wanted a sister, not a brother. I affirmed that maybe we'll get a sister this time. I kept scrolling through FB and an ad with a cute little girl came up. He made me stop, and said "That one! I want that sister!" I laughed and said, we have to wait for baby to get big enough before she comes. Off and on throughout the day he talked about the sister that was going to come. I'd have to tell him we had to wait and let her get big enough to come home. As soon as J walked in the door from school, P excitedly told him, "We're buying a sister!" lol For several days P would talk about the sister. He was disappointed when I explained it would be a baby sister first. He wanted a girl to play with. He really misses his playmates. Then one day he grumpily said, "I don't want a sister anymore." And that was the last he spoke of her.
Everyone's life goes on and the fact that I'm pregnant is not knowledge that affects their world, only mine. I was tired. When you're trying to unpack and settle in a new home, it's hard being tired and not feeling your best. I'd nap in the afternoons and fall asleep at 9:30pm. After my sickness (maybe the flu?), I gradually started feeling better. I changed my diet and cut out sugar and most refined carbs. I noticed I had more energy and wasn't dying so early in the evening. It made me wonder.
From the beginning I prayed for strength. Strength to raise another child or strength to endure the miscarriage. My first dr's appointment was no secret, and the date loomed at me. But it really meant nothing to everyone else. One of the worst feelings is laying down on the exam table waiting to hear or see a heartbeat. The days that stretched before the appointment, I tried not to worry. The anxiety was overwhelming before P's first appointment and it made for a very difficult family life. I didn't want that again. But a few day before the appointment, the anxiety crept in. By Friday morning, I was quite emotional. I asked for another blessing. This time more explicitly. Timing was bad. It wasn't a priority, so I texted some close friends and they were my prayer warriors. I received some strength from JG especially as she passed along this msg from her prayer (Bc I didn't give her specifics, only that I had a dr's appt I was anxious about, she was getting freaked out by all the possibilities) "He just told me to get ahold of myself. He said you know I'm a good daddy and love her. I've got this!" Immediately lyrics from the song "Good Father" came to mind... "he's a good, good father" and something about him knowing me. Over and over they played as I dropped P off and drove to my appt.
This office does an ultrasound first and then a checkup. Wise. The technician couldn't get a good view from the belly, so as expected, we had to do a transvaginal ultrasound. I could see the sac and the form, but I couldn't tell if there was a heartbeat or not. She took all the pictures she needed, cleaned me up and then said, "You are measuring 6 w and 3 days. I definitely see the fetal pole, but no heartbeat." Immediately another set of lyrics from "Good Father" came flooding in..."He's perfect in all of His ways." She said something about maybe the dates are off, and went to show the pictures to the midwife while I got dressed. I knew what it meant. I'm glad I had some time to cry. The midwife was sweet. Shocked to learn that I go through all the stages of labor and delivery for miscarriages.
She put in a request to check thyroid levels and is concerned that there's a reason behind 3 miscarriages. I have a follow up appointment later this week to confirm one way or another the status of this miscarriage. I'm curious what the thyroid test will tell us. I've gained well over 30 pounds since June. Most of that within a 2 month time period. One week I gained 5 pounds over a course of 3 days. It was ridiculous. I'd actually dropped 2 pounds since starting my new eating habits, but maybe it was just the beginning of the miscarriage that did it.
I took some time to process and cry before leaving to get P. I mostly held myself together. P did amazing for being with this family for the first time. He was in a good mood and wasn't ready to go to the car yet. They lived in an apartment complex on the second floor, so we climbed up and down stairs for a bit playing. We'd gotten to the top floor when he turned to me and asked, "How's your day going?" It's ok. "How was the dr appt? Good or bad?" Oh you sweet, sweet boy. Thank you for asking. It was bad. "Why was it bad?" Because our baby died. "Why did our baby die?" I don't know honey. It just happens sometimes.
We finally made it to the car and decided we needed - at least I did - some lunch. It was almost 1 at this point. He wanted to go inside and eat, so we did. Pretty soon after we got back in the car to go home dh called to find out what happened at the dr's office, so I let him know. When he got home from work we talked some more about it and what it means for our family. We need to do some more talking and a lot more praying. Yesterday after church I told J. He said, 'Guessed it.' A still doesn't know. P asked again about the dr's appt and we replayed the conversation from the other day, except I asked him why it was bad. He thought for a moment, and then said "Our baby died." That's right, buddy. "Why'd our baby die?" I don't know, honey. Sometimes it just happens. "Why" Baby's heart was broken. "Your heart's broken?" Yes, mommy's sad. Can I have a hug? He wrapped his arms around me and snuggled in. Then I shared this thought with him. Maybe, she wasn't ready to leave Heavenly Father yet. He nodded and hugged me tighter.
All weekend long I've gotten msgs from my 2 dear friends offering prayers and thoughts for me. I'm so grateful for them. On the way home from the dr's I heard a few songs that were about relying on the Savior's strength and bending to His will. Yesterday the Sacrament song had the lyric, "when his heart was stilled and broken"and I kind of lost it. One of the talks was on the enabling power of the Atonement and Grace. This is the strength I'm calling on to help me through. I was thinking about the quote that says something like, Courage is not the absence of fear but the power to follow through anyway. I decided to look it up to get it right. The true quote didn't quite fit what I wanted to say, so I looked up courage in general and a couple of scriptures popped up. One was Joshua 1:9
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.The other was Isaiah 41:10.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.THIS is what I was looking for. I just didn't know it. I realized I was looking at the wrong source for courage. You know, as hard and painful as my miscarriage experiences have been, they've also been holy ones. In those moments of agony, the veil has been thin and I've been wrapped in a peace and comfort too. Though it is lonely, I've not been alone. It is a sacred space.
My contractions are getting stronger. It is time for the day to begin. All of my other miscarriages have happened in the wee hours of the night. This one may be different.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
surprised myself
About a month ago Facebook was full of memes and articles in honor of infant loss and miscarriage awareness. I remember one in particular that made the point that a mother thinks of her losses often and could tell you how old that child would be in a blink. I realized I could not. I don't know if those wounds have healed with Peter's arrival or the peace that came from the Lord. Whatever the reason, at the time I was totally at a loss of how much time has passed.
Fast forward and rewind to Thursday. I host a scripture study class in our home so that children are welcome to come too. One of the moms has a five year old daughter and a thirteen month old son that come with her. Thursday the girl was making some kind of noises about not wanting to go home. I told her she could stay with me. I need a little girl because I don't have one. She shook her head no and quickly got ready to go, looking a little panicked in the process. I realized as I was saying that she could stay with me, that my first lost baby would be her age. I guess I've paid more attention than I thought.
Having Peter has changed a lot of things. I've aged a lot in the last eight years. I'm so grateful he is here and part of our family, and though I want a daughter, I'm not sure I really have it in me to have one more. I am tired. This week my body has been acting odd so I took a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease. It's amazing how quickly my mind shifted to disappointment. It is hard to separate nostalgia from true desire though. I decided to leave it up to the Lord and accept whatever He has planned for our family.
Fast forward and rewind to Thursday. I host a scripture study class in our home so that children are welcome to come too. One of the moms has a five year old daughter and a thirteen month old son that come with her. Thursday the girl was making some kind of noises about not wanting to go home. I told her she could stay with me. I need a little girl because I don't have one. She shook her head no and quickly got ready to go, looking a little panicked in the process. I realized as I was saying that she could stay with me, that my first lost baby would be her age. I guess I've paid more attention than I thought.
Having Peter has changed a lot of things. I've aged a lot in the last eight years. I'm so grateful he is here and part of our family, and though I want a daughter, I'm not sure I really have it in me to have one more. I am tired. This week my body has been acting odd so I took a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease. It's amazing how quickly my mind shifted to disappointment. It is hard to separate nostalgia from true desire though. I decided to leave it up to the Lord and accept whatever He has planned for our family.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Indulgence
Today was my 6 wks postpartum appointment with the midwives. Can you believe it has been that long already?!
My roadtrip ended up lasting a lot longer than originally anticipated. We decided to go on to TX from NM and we didn't return until last night. It was nice but exhausting. And totally indulgent.
Indulgence - I think that about sums the last 6 weeks.
At my last appt with the midwives before Peter was born, my weight was 203. Today it was 198.6. I did not weigh myself until my trip through NM, but I can tell you that about 8 of those pounds were found in the last two weeks. At 2 wks pp my pants were pretty lose and I could probably have fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. At this point, I am not sure I have any besides the one pair of maternity shorts I wear every day. It is ridiculous the amount of weight I have gained since Peter was born, but since the Friday after I got home I have been a bottomless pit.
People will say that it is ok to eat more because I am nursing, but the reality is that there is an appropriate burning to consumption caloric intake ratio and the consumption scale is on the heavy side right now. The good news is that life will be able to resume/take on a more realistic normal as we leave the vacation life behind and prepare for the start of school. It is my hope that I can get back into meal planning and an active lifestyle.
My roadtrip ended up lasting a lot longer than originally anticipated. We decided to go on to TX from NM and we didn't return until last night. It was nice but exhausting. And totally indulgent.
Indulgence - I think that about sums the last 6 weeks.
At my last appt with the midwives before Peter was born, my weight was 203. Today it was 198.6. I did not weigh myself until my trip through NM, but I can tell you that about 8 of those pounds were found in the last two weeks. At 2 wks pp my pants were pretty lose and I could probably have fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. At this point, I am not sure I have any besides the one pair of maternity shorts I wear every day. It is ridiculous the amount of weight I have gained since Peter was born, but since the Friday after I got home I have been a bottomless pit.
People will say that it is ok to eat more because I am nursing, but the reality is that there is an appropriate burning to consumption caloric intake ratio and the consumption scale is on the heavy side right now. The good news is that life will be able to resume/take on a more realistic normal as we leave the vacation life behind and prepare for the start of school. It is my hope that I can get back into meal planning and an active lifestyle.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Introducing the Frog Prince
Peter S. B. was born Mon, June 30, 2014 at 8:10 am. He weighed 7 lbs 5.6 oz and is 20.5 in long. I couldn't have asked for a better birth experience.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Sew much for more nesting
I haven't touched the sewing machine for two days now. I think I really am officially done. I even began putting away the fabric that has been sitting on the ironing board begging to be used somehow. The other day I organized all my fabric by color so when I do go back to making things perhaps it will be easier to know what I have to work with.
So, here are my final projects:
So, here are my final projects:
I had come across a blog/tutorial for making gauze swaddling blankets like you can buy for a LOT of money at the store. I decided to pick some of the fabric up at Joann's and make my own. I ended up getting four different colors (white is not pictured here). All I did was hem the edges. Simple, simple. My favorite is the tye-died blue/purple one. It just so happens that I received a package in the mail with the very swaddling blankets I was trying to make. I was glad to get them though so I could compare the fabrics. I would say the bought ones are a softer fabric, but gauze is also supposed to soften with each washing so mine may catch up over time. Either way, this baby will have a lot of nice blankets to be wrapped in :)
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| This isn't much to look at, but it is a T-Shirt swaddler. I used an old college bookstore tshirt. I liked the video tutorial, but there were just enough unanswered questions in it that I was kind of making it up as I went along too. I am curious how it will actually function in action. It is fairly simple to make once you know what you are doing. |
Friday, June 13, 2014
Sew what have you been up to?
My nesting bug has been going really strong the last two weeks. Aside from packing bags and cleaning house, most of my time has been spent at the sewing machine. The funny thing is that except for the items I already made and posted, none of it is for me! I am finding all these cute fabrics in my stash for baby girl stuff and not a lot for boys so there's isn't a lot of motivation to make anything for myself/baby.
It began with a phone call from my mom about a baby carrier I made and gave to my sister in law who did not want it. We decided to see if my friend M wanted it, which she did. So I decided to make a coordinating bag to go with it.
It was a fairly quick project to put together but I ended up spending all day on it because I had to make it smaller than the pattern called for and didn't reduce the size of the casing for the strap. I ended up having to take it all apart so i could fix that. The sad thing was I'd figured all that out ahead of time but still forgot to account for it :/ Oh well. I like the final product.
I get a weekly email from a quilting website with different project ideas. Normally when I look through them I don't find anything I really want to do, but this time I saw one that was simple and kept it in an open tab for awhile before deciding to tackle it. Again, for my friend M because she's having a girl and I have so much cute girly fabric and I wanted to start downsizing my stash. It is called Paisley Squares and Bars.
It began with a phone call from my mom about a baby carrier I made and gave to my sister in law who did not want it. We decided to see if my friend M wanted it, which she did. So I decided to make a coordinating bag to go with it.
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| One side |
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| other side |
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| inside (and totally reversible) |
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| Instead of quilting the squares I tied them with pink thread. |
I had hoped to surprise her with the blanket but ended up needing her opinion on whether or not to use the polka dot fabric and what to use for the binding. I am pretty impressed with myself that I finished it in about a week.
And then, I had also been wanting to make her a circle skirt. And since our babies will be here in time for the 4th of July, I decided to make her a holiday skirt. I couldn't quit there though and decided to include a hair bow and shoes.(I didn't include a band b/c she makes her own and I didn't have the right kind of elastic so I figured she could finish it off.) By the time I was done with the hair bow I was tired. I had spent everything in me, so I didn't end up making the shoes. Oh well.
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| Back view |
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| tagged |
Once the blanket was finished I had all these scraps and material pieces left that I wanted to use up, so I decided to make some coordinating baby toys: fabric blocks and links. The boys helped me stuff them :)
And then, I had also been wanting to make her a circle skirt. And since our babies will be here in time for the 4th of July, I decided to make her a holiday skirt. I couldn't quit there though and decided to include a hair bow and shoes.(I didn't include a band b/c she makes her own and I didn't have the right kind of elastic so I figured she could finish it off.) By the time I was done with the hair bow I was tired. I had spent everything in me, so I didn't end up making the shoes. Oh well.
I mailed her package off yesterday and it should arrive sometime tomorrow. I sat at my sewing area last night trying to figure out something to sew for myself, but didn't come up with anything. I think I am done. I am tired and the desire is pretty nil. Guess it is time to focus on my boys and enjoy the summer with them before little one turns our world upside down.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Quack, quack
My ducks are starting to line up.
I have decided on the midwife practice closest to our home. The hospital is about 15 minutes away in rush hour and five off time. They are doing a water birth study so that may be an option for me when the time comes. The thing I am most troubled by is that there are nine in the practice and with only a few weeks remaining, I will not get the chance to meet them all. I realized recently though that every single delivery has been with a physician I didn't know. I guess it won't really be an issue. My first appt isn't until next Thursday but I am ok with that since at the meet and greet I went to on Monday for another office, the midwife listened baby's heart and checked his position. I was glad she offered because it has been about a month since my last appt and I am at the stage where we are supposed to meet every two weeks. Another two wks and it will be weekly. Last night Jared told me he can't believe bday will be here in another three weeks (assuming he comes as early as Aaron did.) I am not feeling the same sense of urgency I had been so maybe I will have more time than I thought.
I had been dealing with a kinked back ever since I got sick, but it finally seems to have adjusted. I worked on my sleeping positions and decided laying in bed all day wasn't helping so I decided to be active anyway. Between the two I think it worked.I am walking pretty much pain free now. Yay!!
With the return of mobility I have started some serious baby prep. Last Saturday Matthew took another large pile to the storage so the living room is almost completely clear.I haven't done much with it since except vacuum and a little bit of tidying.I did find a rocking chair I liked last week at good will. If I hadn't put up the back seat in preparation for putting in the baby seat I would have brought it home already. Assuming it is still there anyway.
This week I pulled out the co-sleeper I scored off free cycle. When I opened it up I was disappointed to realize all the pieces weren't with it. I did a search on eBay and could purchase the missing pieces but first I wanted to see if I could find them. And the trick was finding them. There were two gift bags that came with it and I had them in the basement.the big question was which box they got packed in. The more boxes I have opened the more frustrated I have gotten with the packers. All of the basement boxes were already in the storage unit so I was really hoping they weren't in one of the boxes that we made completely inaccessible. Thankfully it turned out ok. I had kept all the kitchen boxes close to the front in case I needed to access them and that's where I ended up finding them. All the pieces were accounted for plus some. These people spent a fortune! By the end of yesterday I just needed to prep my bed to attach it and that will be one more thing off my list.
Finding a pediatrician was taken care of today. I needed to schedule a consult to renew Jareds prescription so that appt will be on Tue.
The big thing left are to sort and wash baby clothes and pick a bag then I will be ready!
Of course the other big things on my mind this week are preparing a talk and a music lesson for Sunday :p
I have decided on the midwife practice closest to our home. The hospital is about 15 minutes away in rush hour and five off time. They are doing a water birth study so that may be an option for me when the time comes. The thing I am most troubled by is that there are nine in the practice and with only a few weeks remaining, I will not get the chance to meet them all. I realized recently though that every single delivery has been with a physician I didn't know. I guess it won't really be an issue. My first appt isn't until next Thursday but I am ok with that since at the meet and greet I went to on Monday for another office, the midwife listened baby's heart and checked his position. I was glad she offered because it has been about a month since my last appt and I am at the stage where we are supposed to meet every two weeks. Another two wks and it will be weekly. Last night Jared told me he can't believe bday will be here in another three weeks (assuming he comes as early as Aaron did.) I am not feeling the same sense of urgency I had been so maybe I will have more time than I thought.
I had been dealing with a kinked back ever since I got sick, but it finally seems to have adjusted. I worked on my sleeping positions and decided laying in bed all day wasn't helping so I decided to be active anyway. Between the two I think it worked.I am walking pretty much pain free now. Yay!!
With the return of mobility I have started some serious baby prep. Last Saturday Matthew took another large pile to the storage so the living room is almost completely clear.I haven't done much with it since except vacuum and a little bit of tidying.I did find a rocking chair I liked last week at good will. If I hadn't put up the back seat in preparation for putting in the baby seat I would have brought it home already. Assuming it is still there anyway.
This week I pulled out the co-sleeper I scored off free cycle. When I opened it up I was disappointed to realize all the pieces weren't with it. I did a search on eBay and could purchase the missing pieces but first I wanted to see if I could find them. And the trick was finding them. There were two gift bags that came with it and I had them in the basement.the big question was which box they got packed in. The more boxes I have opened the more frustrated I have gotten with the packers. All of the basement boxes were already in the storage unit so I was really hoping they weren't in one of the boxes that we made completely inaccessible. Thankfully it turned out ok. I had kept all the kitchen boxes close to the front in case I needed to access them and that's where I ended up finding them. All the pieces were accounted for plus some. These people spent a fortune! By the end of yesterday I just needed to prep my bed to attach it and that will be one more thing off my list.
Finding a pediatrician was taken care of today. I needed to schedule a consult to renew Jareds prescription so that appt will be on Tue.
The big thing left are to sort and wash baby clothes and pick a bag then I will be ready!
Of course the other big things on my mind this week are preparing a talk and a music lesson for Sunday :p
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Rattled and riddled
Once again my mind is riddled with thoughts keeping me from returning to sleep after waking. Yesterday I met with a midwife group attached to a local teaching hospital. I found their general philosophy seemed to match mine and the hospital wasn't too bad though the labor room was small. It did have a tub and rocking chair, but no place for Matthew really. Tomorrow I meet with another group. Sunday I had a conversation with a lady who works in the maternity ward and recommended a group south of us. I searched online and think I found them. This lady didn't give specific names but the one I found is a group of two which is much more in line with what I would prefer. The other two groups are large practices allowing very little opportunity to get to know each midwife.
The advantage of the teaching hospital is that it is the only baby friendly certified hospital in Utah and is natural birth friendly. The disadvantage is it a teaching hospital and is 20+ minutes away though it is really close to where Matthew works. This would actually be an advantage if I were to labor during the day but my history tells me it will happen at night. The other hospital is only 10 minutes away during the day. The lady I talked with on Sunday said the staff there is good but routine driven and I would have to fight for what I want which is not the atmosphere I want at all. But I know so much of the experience is dependent on my head team ie the midwives. The third hospital is about 25 minutes away but is a newer hospital with larger and nicer rooms.
Before waking up tonight I was dreaming that I was in a birthing class and it was time to test what we knew and actually go into labor. I wanted so much for my body to function on its own but I just didn't have enough time. Here lies the heart of my stress. In New Jersey I felt completely comfortable with my midwives and the idea of a home birth. I think I could have reasonably expected a very positive and textbook kind of labor - one that mirrored my last miscarriage. Here in Utah the home birth midwives scare me, leaving me with only the hospital for an option. I want to be able to labor at home as long as possible but I don't want to put myself in a position of hitting transition in transit either.
Before leaving NJ I came to believe that my labor experience with my last miscarriage was such a positive one because I was completely open and ready for it. I think Aaron's mimicked Jared's because I wasn't emotionally and mentally ready to go through the experience again. It worked out in that my overall experience was much better but I still ended up with pitocin. I so much want this time to be "textbook" (natural) too. I am realizing my anxiety about having to deliver in the hospital may be my downfall. I have also come to realize that I am the only one who counts my miscarriage experience as valid history because I went through it alone. My family's experience is limited to my two living children, thus the kind of comments I get are more mocking in nature at the idea that my body will do anything different than their experience with me indicates. The task then is to believe in myself and my body and not allow those hurtful comments to undermine my strength.
My hope is that I will be able to get over the fact I have to deliver in the hospital and find the right fit for me. I think this will alleviate a lot of stress and enable me to come back to that core feeling of peace and strength. Maybe I will even quit having worrisome labor and delivery dreams too because I will feel like my ducks are in a row.
The advantage of the teaching hospital is that it is the only baby friendly certified hospital in Utah and is natural birth friendly. The disadvantage is it a teaching hospital and is 20+ minutes away though it is really close to where Matthew works. This would actually be an advantage if I were to labor during the day but my history tells me it will happen at night. The other hospital is only 10 minutes away during the day. The lady I talked with on Sunday said the staff there is good but routine driven and I would have to fight for what I want which is not the atmosphere I want at all. But I know so much of the experience is dependent on my head team ie the midwives. The third hospital is about 25 minutes away but is a newer hospital with larger and nicer rooms.
Before waking up tonight I was dreaming that I was in a birthing class and it was time to test what we knew and actually go into labor. I wanted so much for my body to function on its own but I just didn't have enough time. Here lies the heart of my stress. In New Jersey I felt completely comfortable with my midwives and the idea of a home birth. I think I could have reasonably expected a very positive and textbook kind of labor - one that mirrored my last miscarriage. Here in Utah the home birth midwives scare me, leaving me with only the hospital for an option. I want to be able to labor at home as long as possible but I don't want to put myself in a position of hitting transition in transit either.
Before leaving NJ I came to believe that my labor experience with my last miscarriage was such a positive one because I was completely open and ready for it. I think Aaron's mimicked Jared's because I wasn't emotionally and mentally ready to go through the experience again. It worked out in that my overall experience was much better but I still ended up with pitocin. I so much want this time to be "textbook" (natural) too. I am realizing my anxiety about having to deliver in the hospital may be my downfall. I have also come to realize that I am the only one who counts my miscarriage experience as valid history because I went through it alone. My family's experience is limited to my two living children, thus the kind of comments I get are more mocking in nature at the idea that my body will do anything different than their experience with me indicates. The task then is to believe in myself and my body and not allow those hurtful comments to undermine my strength.
My hope is that I will be able to get over the fact I have to deliver in the hospital and find the right fit for me. I think this will alleviate a lot of stress and enable me to come back to that core feeling of peace and strength. Maybe I will even quit having worrisome labor and delivery dreams too because I will feel like my ducks are in a row.
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