Starting Anew

I am being sustained today in a new calling. I have greatly enjoyed the break from responsibilities. It has been especially nice to sit in Sunday School and Relief Society. (Well, when I can, since Peter has reached the age where we have to wander with him. But Matthew has taken the role of wandering which has also been nice.) My spiritual (and physical) habits have been greatly lacking and my spirituality has suffered. It has been dwindling since New Jersey, but especially while in Utah. It is quite the contrast to who I was four or even three years ago.

The first Sunday of the month the Relief Society presidency chooses the topic of the lesson. Ours this month was on having The Holy Ghost as our constant companion. She created a chart comparing the way we feel/act when The Holy Ghost is with us and when He is not. The 'not' side pretty much nailed me. He has been nudging me in my thoughts to do better, but I honestly didn't care enough despite knowing it made me miserable and lonely to not have that spirituality. The lesson helped, and I began striving to listen to the scriptures again and praying more often. I am still far from creating a regular habit. One thing I did to motivate me was to reach out to the sisters and suggest meeting once a week for a scripture study group. The response was minimal, but enough that we are going to do it. The first class is this Thursday. I am hoping it will be a life-line for others as it was for me in NJ and will be now.

I have served in Primary in some capacity almost consistently for the last twelve or thirteen years. I did have a few breaks here and there, but it has certainly been non-stop since Aaron was in nursery. When we moved to NJ, my heart was in Primary and my emotions were raw. I had no desire to be with adults. By the time I was ready to be among the sisters, I received my calling as a Primary teacher. I was really kind of upset about it and it took awhile to learn to love my calling. I was grateful for the opportunity to see 'the other side' since I had served as President so often. It also prepared me to lead the Primary a few months later when I was called as the President. When we moved to UT, again I was happy to be in Relief Society but was quickly called to the Primary as the chorister. My heart certainly wasn't in it. After Peter was born and I had 6 weeks off I had no desire to return. But as the depression eased, my heart grew as well and I learned to love that calling. I love being in Primary. I love knowing what my children are learning and singing. I love having that time together too. I love getting to know the children in the ward. This time though, the Lord is not returning me to the Primary.

I am grateful for our loving Father who knows me intimately. He knows that I have used Primary as an excuse to not read my lessons. He knows I am wandering without direction. He knows it is time to rebuild my reservoir because I am not doing it myself. He also knows what I can give. I recognize that as I pull myself up I will lead others to the light as well. I have a feeling he is preparing me for another leadership position, but one step at a time. I look forward to serving in my new capacity.

Here and There

Last weekend the boys and I traveled to Manassa, CO to meet the family and celebrate Gma's 90th birthday. All but one sibling group and Matthew were there. It was so wonderful to be together. We visited the Great Sand Dunes an hour from there, as well as attend the Pioneer Day parade and rodeo. The drive was beautiful and the boys were amazing. Great memories. The girls have grown so much! Peter really took a liking to Hannah which was surprising and delightful. Occasionally he'd go to Sarah, but Hannah was chosen even over me by the end. We only had two whole days together. Much too short, but still so grateful for the time.

Dad traveled back with me because I was having car problems. It was really helpful to have another adult in the car. We only had to turn the car off once, and that was in Price when we stopped for gas. Thankfully Mark took his car battery charger and let me borrow it so we were able to get the car going again after waiting for it to charge a little. Peter did not want anything to do with Gpa until the last hour before he left. Sad, but at least he did finally warm up to him.

Monday Peter decided to try his legs at walking. He is officially a toddler now. He riddled across the living room to where Aaron was playing with his walker. He hung out there for awhile with Jared and his trumpet and then he decided he'd come over to me. He did it and giggled all the way!! We clapped and cheered. He's been walking off and on since!

Friday we finally received our official orders. Let the chaos begin! Matthew reports on the 10th. We were both released from our callings today. It is bittersweet and surreal. We have been in a good place. The Lord knew what he was doing when he directed us here. I trust He will have the best place picked out for us there as well.

Time to Move on

I am not doing well at keeping up with my blog :P Hard to believe last year I was writing almost daily. Life with a baby certainly has changed things around here. Everything seems to take so much more effort :P But I wouldn't change it for anything. There's a lot of love and enjoyment centered around that little boy.

Summer is here, and it looks very different from last year. For one, the pool by our apartment was plowed under and a dog park is replacing it. Poo. Literally....  At the moment there is only one pool open and it is up by the leasing office. It takes so much more effort to get there than it did when we could just step out our side yard and be there. Carting a baby around and all his trappings make it that much more of an ordeal. I did finally get to do free time in the pool the other day b/c he was still asleep in the car seat when we got there. I was honestly a bit grouchy with the boys in an effort to get them to move quicker so I could actually get some swim time. I got a few laps in before Peter started complaining enough I had to get out.

I've been taking a tot and me swim class the last two weeks. Peter loves the water. He has no fear. The class has been good though that little guy is showing his strong will already.  We have a basic routine that is being added to with each class. Last week the child was to sit on the edge of the pool and wait while the parent is a few steps away counting to five. After the five counts, we approach the child, say their name, and tell them it is ok to get in the water. Well, Mr. 11 months old was having a hard time with that concept (of course. ) But he is a smart one and quickly realized that if I wasn't going to let him in the water, he'd just take off the other way. Pretty soon he was crawling away from the pool and giggling the whole way!! I've been trying to apply the principle in other areas too - namely being on the bed. I think (hope) it is starting to work b/c twice now while I've been in the shower he's cried and complained like normal, but then by the time I get out he's just laying on the edge of the bed waiting patiently. This first time he did it I was quite surprised and pleased. Progress, I hope.

The first day of summer I did my walk as usual while the boys rode their bikes. I'm not sure what happened, but it wore me out! Seems every effort I make to exercise this summer has given me the same result. So, I haven't done my routine walk since. We hiked Neff's Canyon Trail with one of Matthew's college room mates a week ago. It was just about the right climb for me, but it wiped me out for days and my calves were so sore!! It was a beautiful place though. I had to descend early to find some facilities, but while I was gone Aaron had a run-in with a coiled snake. Thankfully he was
safe. He'd said that it hissed at him, but my guess is that it was a rattle he heard.

Matthew signed himself and the boys up for a triathlon to be completed this coming weekend. This month has zoomed by, but when he registered them it seemed so far away. And now here we are, the week of the competition. The boys have worked hard running, biking, and some swimming. Aaron really has no swimming skills, so Matthew spent some time teaching him how to float and do the frog stroke. Hopefully that will help some. Thankfully I was able to register them for swim lessons starting this week too. I hope he can make some good progress between now and Friday. Jared is mostly concerned about the run, but everytime they've done a run, he's walked. So, he should be worried. He'll be awesome on the bike though. Aaron gives his whole heart to the process.

Last year for my birthday I was obsessed with getting a bike and that was to be my present. I never really found one. Well, I did this year - at Good Will for $20. I found a bike for Aaron too so everyone would have one for the Triathlon. Aaron's needed a few tweaks, but for $6 it was worth it. Well, Jared took my bike for a ride, played with all the gears and has basically claimed it as his own. It was so funny when he got back on his previously preferred red bike. He claimed someone shrank it. We've been trying to tell him he was getting to big for it, but it wasn't until he rode a bigger bike that he believed us. So, now I am once again without a bike. Oh well. It is a pretty sweet bike.

My birthday also brought dairy back into my life. So far Peter seems to be handling it well. I need to do better about exercising control, but it is good and weird to be free to eat cheese again. I have done pretty well to maintain my weight since the end of the contest. Since my birthday I've fluctuated a few pounds but still done pretty well to maintain - not bad for three months of staying the same.

Our lease was up in April and we debated what to do. Months before that when we were trying to figure things out, the answer I received was "stay." Ultimately that it was we did despite an apartment opening up (right across from THE pool) that we really liked and wanted. At this point I am grateful because we will only need to move once this year now (which was part of the reasoning for not moving). Matthew had applied for the AGR program (full time military position) earlier in the year. He was told that if he could get unflagged for his PT, they would have a position for him. In the meantime, he got hired on as a civilian for a local unit. He was able to pass his PT test recently and his flag was removed, enabling him to be hired on as AGR.  We knew it was coming but had no idea when. We hoped the timing would work out that his year of probation in his civilian job would end before he was given an AGR assignment. We've had these balls in the air wondering when they would land and what the plan would be, but it was all speculation. The balls finally began landing over the last few weeks. At the end of May he found out his civilian position was being dissolved. Boo. However, he was being transferred back to the unit he left, just not as a paralegal. The change is good because he is no longer doing the work of five people, but the work of one. He only has to wear the UA hat. yay! It also helps that he knows all the office staff and they know him. He started his new position on Monday.

Ironically, the Wed before that he got the AGR call. The offer is in Las Vegas doing what he did before becoming a paralegal (you know, the kind of job he'd been hoping to get for the last three years). He accepted the assignment and the ball has not only landed but is rolling steadily that direction. They have told him that he can expect orders about July 10th with a tentative start date of July 31st. So, the rest of this summer is a balance of enjoying the last bits of UT and preparing for our next adventure. It is presumably a three year assignment, so we will be able to have respite from moving for a time. It will be really nice to have the stability and some roots - and a house! At the end of the three years, he should be able to return to UT and pick up his civilian job again. And while he's away, he'll accrue the pay raises and leave as if he'd never left. Best of both worlds - active duty benefits (yay for going back on Tricare!) and civilian benefits.  It has been quite the journey to get to this point, but the Lord promised a pot of gold at the end of the tunnel when he left for NJ and His promises are sure. The blessings are raining down.

Mother's Day wish

For Mother's Day I told Matthew I want a living room (ie boxes unpacked and space. We got rid of our couches and most of the other large furniture. I don't expect a couch for tomorrow, but at least a spot we could put one.) We are almost there!! We spent most of the early afternoon moving boxes to the storage unit and shed. There aren't as many boxes left, and we can finally fill the bookshelves (which will clear out a lot of the boxes that are left to unpack).

I started on the task of opening all the living room book boxes thinking this part would be just a matter of figuring out which box came from which book shelf. Unfortunately I was wrong. The packers mixed books that were on the book shelf with books that were already in boxes not to be shelved.... frustrating. My easy task has turned into another monster to fight, so I decided to give myself a much needed break and put my feet up in bed and hang out on the computer.

My overall feeling about the hiring moving/packers experience is that it really is a great help, but there's a lot of things that have been frustrating too (like them unpacking filled boxes and mixing them in other boxes or totes as well as not always labeling things clearly) Argh.

Anyway....

Matthew also wanted to take the boys to Ensign Peak today. I wasn't invited due to the breathing challenge just moving boxes poses ;) He told the boys I'd still be on the way up when they'd be ready to come down :) We went to a local park Thursday evening and walked their 2/3rd of a mile trail (uphill on one side) and it posed quite the challenge for me. I think it was pretty eye opening for Matthew too.  Between the altitude, my congestion, and the baby in my ribs I just don't have a lot of breath to work with (not to mention the waddle in my walk from a kinked back). On one hand I'm disappointed I didn't get to go with them, but on the other it really is wiser for me not to.

Wednesday evening I was concerned I was going into pre-term labor. I was having a lot of cramps and some stronger contractions. After eating dinner, I laid in bed and drank water the rest of the night. By the morning the contractions had subsided, but there was still a little bit of cramping feeling. I did a major shopping trip to stock up after dropping the boys off at school, then slept off and on throughout the day and generally took it easy (until Matthew got home and we hit the park.) Aside from being really tired the rest of the week, I think I've recovered from Wed's scare. It is quite the balancing act between putting the house in order and keeping my body in order :/

Time can do so much...

Another post I didn't get to finish but will publish anyway. 

Written Thurs, May 1, 2014

It is hard to believe we have been in UT for over a week now. I suppose after all I've put my body through with the move, a week of illness is just pay. Unfortunately it is not a pleasant thing and it will make its rounds through the family. My sweet Aaron will be its next victim - the price of his affection.

Here's more of the story:

Matthew finally received orders on Mon, March 31st with a travel date of Thurs, April 3rd - just enough time for us to get our ducks in a row before he left. Tues we went to the travel office and found out that packers would come Thurs, April 10th and the movers on Mon, the 14th. Seems I was right about moving during spring break. I had finally wrapped my brain around the idea that I'd be in NJ til the end of the month and then all of a sudden I was faced with the daunting task of needing to be ready in a little over a week!

It would seem that having someone else move you would make things so much easier, but it really quite overwhelmed me. We had a weight limit of 9000 lbs and anything not going was to be purged before packers arrived. Thankfully we had a great set of people to work with and they were quite accommodating in the end.

I am grateful to my mom and all she did to help with this transition. She was supposed to come on Sat, the 12th but by Mon the 7th I knew I was in way over my head and was prepared to call her and ask her to come sooner when she called first. The flights were full so she'd have to come Wed. Perfecto! She was a lifesaver! Between the two of us we were able to get everything done. She could keep going when I could not and vice versa.

"Hear my Cries!"

Written Wed, March 26th. It is an incomplete thought, but one that I wanted to post anyway.

The other day I had a a certain phrase from a song stuck in my head that felt particular fitting. It was a hymn/spiritual of some sort and all I get is the pleading sound of "Hear my cry! Hear my cry!"

In my post a few weeks back announcing my pregnancy, I mentioned that Matthew was supposed to be going on active duty orders at the end of March though things rarely work out the way they seem. How prophetic. Soon after that he came home and told me that the unit could not get the money to fund it though they tried. Money is in the till, just not in that category to spend. We thought he'd be going back to the pest control but they did figure out a way to keep him on for another few weeks, at least until all the avenues dried up. Thursday was his last day of work, though he will not return to the pest control company any time soon. Pull up a chair. Here's the story.

We love New Jersey. We love the people, the area, the schools. What we do not like is the cost of living. Last year wasn't a big deal because we shared the house with another family and we were able to maintain a savings. Since moving into our own place that almost doubled what we paid in rent, our funds have been slowly drying up. Enter a year of active duty with Matthew's unit, answer solved. Or so we thought. When we got the news that Matthew would not be going on active duty status, I began entertaining the idea of working for a temp agency or teaching piano again (the local teacher just moved so timing would work and I could take the summer off with the newborn and start again in the fall) but it just wasn't sitting right. By the end of Feb we were wondering how we were going to continue to financially support ourselves. I quit grocery shopping and we started living off our food storage. Let me tell you, THRIVE's powdered milk is pretty darn good!

I've mentioned before the faith it took to pay our tithing and the blessings that seemed to come immediately from exercising that faith. I wasn't going to let time pass again before paying, but I did after all. The money just was not there to pay tithing and meet all our obligations. I actually drew strength from my own witness and testimony that our family can not afford to NOT pay tithing and took a leap of faith.

One night at the beginning of March I prayed that we'd be able to meet our financial obligations. I believe it was the next morning that I went to work for the lady in our ward whom I've helped off and on by cleaning her house. I was looking forward to the work because we'd have some cash to buy some groceries but I was concerned how my body would handle the physical demands. Thankfully it handled it well except for being really tired at the end of the day. (But even that was a gift because it got me moving and active on the days thereafter.) Anyway, that morning while I was cleaning I got a text from Matthew asking if I could talk. After a little bit of phone tag we were able to get a hold of each other. He told me that he had received an email informing him of a 6 month active duty assignment in Salt Lake and wondered if he should apply. My first thought was, J is in Utah. And so is my brother. The catch was that the start date was March 31st - just a few weeks away. Over the course of the day, we'd talk back and forth about the implications of a PCS to UT and whether he'd go or we all go. I texted my brother and J to get a feel for how far away they were from SLC. It was mind boggling.  I hadn't told the lady I work for that I was pregnant yet and at one point the opportunity came up for me to share the offer being presented and at the same time let her know about the baby. The fact that I am due right in the middle of the assignment just really complicated things. So bang, all in one fell swoop she found out I am expecting and possibly moving. I suppose it was the best way to tell her. We talked some more about and bounced ideas off each other the next day over lunch.

The email came on Thursday, March 6th and the application closed Monday, the 10th. We had a few days to figure out if he should even apply to the position. All throughout that period, NO ONE had submitted an application. Matthew was pretty sure he'd get it if he was the only applicant. Here are the pros - he held all the qualifications for the job. In fact, it was what he'd been working on with the unit since being on orders in Feb. As a PCS, the military would pay for the move. He'd be on active duty orders for 181 days - full Army benefits, plus the length of time needed to receive Veteran status and thereby receive Veteran benefits, AND it will make him more qualified for the full time positions he's been eyeing for years but never quite qualified for. In the end, he applied. I figured it was kind of like the New Jersey thing - if it was what was right for our family, then it would happen otherwise it wouldn't.

Every day has been filled with questions of logistics and what if's and what should we's... I worried about doing the single parent thing again and having a baby with/out Matthew. The more I researched schools and midwives in UT, the more anxious and agitated and overwhelmed I felt. Here is a journal entry I wrote a week after learning about the position:

THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2014

Last night as the winds swirled outside, the phrase 'whirlwind adventure' came coming to mind as I thought about the possibility of a 6 mo PCS to UT in our very near future. So many unanswered questions and not a lot of time to figure it all out.

In other news, I finally announced on FB about being pregnant. I am not sure if sharing my blog post about it was the right decision but it is done.

We went and toured the hospital Tuesday night. The boys behaved pretty well. I was pleased :) The next day I asked them what they thought of the experience and Jared said, Lucky. Another voiced opinion was excited. I think it made it more real for them - at least for Jared because up until yesterday he really didn't seem to show much interest in the baby. I was laying on the couch and Jared was working on homework at the computer. Baby was bumping around and I called Aaron over to feel. Jared came too. Baby quieted down again but Jared waited there awhile. I told him that he could talk to the baby. He wasn't quite sure what to say and I could tell he felt awkward and embarrassed. Finally I sent him away and told him I'd call him back over if he started moving again. Turns out that every time I sat up he'd move. About the same time as discovering this, Jared had turned on his band music to listen to while he worked. Soon I called him over and he was able to feel this little one a couple of times. I'm glad he got to experience that :)

As for my feelings about the hospital tour, well... it is a great facility. But I felt uncomfortable there and it kind of solidified my feelings about a home birth. I think I finally figured out why. At my appt with the midwife last week I discussed Matthew's concerns about a homebirth. She assured me that most calls to transfer to the hospital happen early enough that can be done calmly. If it really is an emergency transfer than they call the closest hospital to have them prep the OR. But even in a hospital it takes 30 minutes to prep for a C-Section which would be our travel time. One of the reasons for transfer would be failure to progress, so I shared with her my previous birth experiences and wondered how that would be weighed. We discussed it and she said it is possible that I petered out because I was disrupted and distracted by the transition to the hospital. Another possibility is that I am just one of those women who has a really long early labor, but the fact that my water broke put me on a clock. It might be a different experience staying home.

As we went through the hospital and the more our guide talked, I thought about the conversation with the midwife and my experience with the miscarriages and realized I really liked being at home and doing my own thing. That night Matthew asked me what I thought and I shared with him this conclusion and I think he got it. In the morning I told him that I felt very uncomfortable delivering in the hospital and that it wasn't the place for me. He joked that maybe that had something to do with moving to UT :)

I feel very torn about the move. I want to go as a family, but I don't want to take Jared away from band and the research I've done for midwives makes me feel anxious and upset. The highly recommended ones take very few clients and even less insurance. I'd have to pay out of pocket. With the fact that most of my pgcy is over, I'd hope they would pro-rate it. My next appt is April 1st and is in conjunction with my big blood draw and testing. Really the only expenses left should be the final visits, birth, and postpartum. I talked to Mom yesterday to find out if she'd be willing to come and stay with us in June if Matthew goes by himself. She is willing. In some ways I think that'd be the easiest option, but I also don't necessarily feel like that is the best option.

Friday night or Saturday morning I was praying about it, and the thought that came immediately to mind was that we will go and everything will turn out fine. I felt much more at peace at that point and decided to quit researching and wait for orders and answers to all our questions. We spent Saturday evening emptying out the storage unit. Jared and I were alone in the van so I talked to him about the situation and how he felt about it. He said he thinks we'll go, but he'd prefer not to say why. He recognizes that there are pros and cons to the move. The biggest pro is that the ****  are there, though we'd still be a good enough distance away that we still probably wouldn't see each other as much as we'd like. Although with summer's free schedule, maybe we would.

On Sunday the topic for Sacrament mtg was the Atonement. The sister spoke about using the Atonement for its ENABLING power, not just its healing power. The final speakers shared his recent experience regarding losing his job and finding new employment. He recounted the move to get him here and shared that two weeks before they were to come, the apartment complex contacted them and denied their application. After scrambling they found another one and discovered another member family in the complex whom they became really great friends with. At one point they shared their experience with the denied application and the family responded that they know why it happened. They had been praying for a family to move in that they could be friends with. Basically they had prayed this family to that apartment. His point was that sometimes our trials are an answer to another's prayers. The closing song was I'll Go Where You Want me to Go. I looked at Matthew and laughed. It seemed the talks and song for that morning were meant for us.

As I've thought about the growth and realizations from reading the Book of Mormon over the last 40 days, I try to draw on the same strength that Nephi had. He trusted the Lord and was willing to do whatever was asked because the Lord would see him through it. I need that kind of faith too. Yes it scary and overwhelming, but it will all work together for our good.

The person in charge of hiring had been on TDY but arrived home and contacted Matthew on Monday, the 17th. Turns out there was one other applicant, but she seemed to indicate a preference for Matthew. Tues afternoon Matthew received an official offer for the position which he accepted and the paperwork dance and real decision process began.

These were basically our options: Matthew goes by himself the entire 6 mo; We go with him right off; He goes first and we follow (when?). If we move out too, do we put all of our stuff in storage here and rent a furnished place there or take everything with us? Do we rent a small place and put our stuff in storage there? What is going to happen after the 6 months? Will we return or stay there longer? What do we do with our current lease?

As each day passed, it seemed like our thoughts and plans would morph until they fit the Sculptor's design. It has been an interesting process. I feel like we've been guided but in such a way that we were to figure it out on our own at the same time. Conversations here and there as I gleaned for input and information clarified thoughts in my mind. After almost a week break of not thinking about the move, I started browsing zillow and craigslist again. It no longer felt so stressful. I sent out emails to school districts regarding band programs and focused on housing within those school boundaries that offered band. I learned all I could about different schools, their demographics, curriculum, and general reviews. I figured out which areas were the quickest commute to the unit and started learning the city by area. I got to the point where it wasn't enough to just make lists of places that looked good, I had to start making phone calls and sifting through everything I'd harvested.

After a conversation with a friend, it became clear that we should take everything with us because we don't know what will happen after the 6 months. Since the military will pay for us to move back, we wouldn't be out anything by taking it. If for some reason we stay, our belongings would not be split across the country. And if our stuff needs to go to storage in UT, so be it.

As for our current lease, I'd thought of seeing if we could make a deal with the landlord to maybe pay half rent to maintain our claim, but thought it wouldn't be fair to him if we didn't come back. One of my concerns was moving back to NJ in October and not being able to find decent housing because moving season was over. But I also trusted that we'd find what we needed to. Even if we renewed the lease, next year we'd have to move to a bigger place with a third youngster running around. I went ahead and notified our landlord of the possibility we would not renew due to the possible orders, but that we weren't sure if they'd really happen. He is such a nice man and has been very patient with us.

Wide Awake

I've been awake for the last 45 min or so. I had heard one of those boys get up and go to the bathroom and in my semi-conscious state then began dreaming about Aaron crying because he needed me. (He usually knocks on my door the same time in the middle of the night b/c he gets scared to go the bathroom by himself. Still. Although I think that is one of the ways his anxiety about moving manifests itself). There was no need for a helper this time, but I'd been aroused enough from my dream that I got up to potty and check on the boys. Both sound asleep :)

I knew as soon as I walked out of the bathroom though that my mind had been enlivened enough that sleep would be elusive. But, I laid in bed with my eyes closed and tried to sleep. Soon I was thinking of all the things that need to be done. And then baby started moving. Between the activity in my mind and little boy in my belly, I decided sleep was not going to come. It is unfortunate that doing something in my mind actually produces results. If it did, my fridge would be cleaned, totes moved, papers organized... man this move would be a piece of cake ;) Being awake in these early morning hours won't help me get much done either as I will spend the day tired.

I guess I ought to spend this time actually producing instead of just browsing facebook.