Starting Anew

I am being sustained today in a new calling. I have greatly enjoyed the break from responsibilities. It has been especially nice to sit in Sunday School and Relief Society. (Well, when I can, since Peter has reached the age where we have to wander with him. But Matthew has taken the role of wandering which has also been nice.) My spiritual (and physical) habits have been greatly lacking and my spirituality has suffered. It has been dwindling since New Jersey, but especially while in Utah. It is quite the contrast to who I was four or even three years ago.

The first Sunday of the month the Relief Society presidency chooses the topic of the lesson. Ours this month was on having The Holy Ghost as our constant companion. She created a chart comparing the way we feel/act when The Holy Ghost is with us and when He is not. The 'not' side pretty much nailed me. He has been nudging me in my thoughts to do better, but I honestly didn't care enough despite knowing it made me miserable and lonely to not have that spirituality. The lesson helped, and I began striving to listen to the scriptures again and praying more often. I am still far from creating a regular habit. One thing I did to motivate me was to reach out to the sisters and suggest meeting once a week for a scripture study group. The response was minimal, but enough that we are going to do it. The first class is this Thursday. I am hoping it will be a life-line for others as it was for me in NJ and will be now.

I have served in Primary in some capacity almost consistently for the last twelve or thirteen years. I did have a few breaks here and there, but it has certainly been non-stop since Aaron was in nursery. When we moved to NJ, my heart was in Primary and my emotions were raw. I had no desire to be with adults. By the time I was ready to be among the sisters, I received my calling as a Primary teacher. I was really kind of upset about it and it took awhile to learn to love my calling. I was grateful for the opportunity to see 'the other side' since I had served as President so often. It also prepared me to lead the Primary a few months later when I was called as the President. When we moved to UT, again I was happy to be in Relief Society but was quickly called to the Primary as the chorister. My heart certainly wasn't in it. After Peter was born and I had 6 weeks off I had no desire to return. But as the depression eased, my heart grew as well and I learned to love that calling. I love being in Primary. I love knowing what my children are learning and singing. I love having that time together too. I love getting to know the children in the ward. This time though, the Lord is not returning me to the Primary.

I am grateful for our loving Father who knows me intimately. He knows that I have used Primary as an excuse to not read my lessons. He knows I am wandering without direction. He knows it is time to rebuild my reservoir because I am not doing it myself. He also knows what I can give. I recognize that as I pull myself up I will lead others to the light as well. I have a feeling he is preparing me for another leadership position, but one step at a time. I look forward to serving in my new capacity.