The other day I had a a certain phrase from a song stuck in my head that felt particular fitting. It was a hymn/spiritual of some sort and all I get is the pleading sound of "Hear my cry! Hear my cry!"
In my post a few weeks back announcing my pregnancy, I mentioned that Matthew was supposed to be going on active duty orders at the end of March though things rarely work out the way they seem. How prophetic. Soon after that he came home and told me that the unit could not get the money to fund it though they tried. Money is in the till, just not in that category to spend. We thought he'd be going back to the pest control but they did figure out a way to keep him on for another few weeks, at least until all the avenues dried up. Thursday was his last day of work, though he will not return to the pest control company any time soon. Pull up a chair. Here's the story.
We love New Jersey. We love the people, the area, the schools. What we do not like is the cost of living. Last year wasn't a big deal because we shared the house with another family and we were able to maintain a savings. Since moving into our own place that almost doubled what we paid in rent, our funds have been slowly drying up. Enter a year of active duty with Matthew's unit, answer solved. Or so we thought. When we got the news that Matthew would not be going on active duty status, I began entertaining the idea of working for a temp agency or teaching piano again (the local teacher just moved so timing would work and I could take the summer off with the newborn and start again in the fall) but it just wasn't sitting right. By the end of Feb we were wondering how we were going to continue to financially support ourselves. I quit grocery shopping and we started living off our food storage. Let me tell you, THRIVE's powdered milk is pretty darn good!
I've mentioned before the faith it took to pay our tithing and the blessings that seemed to come immediately from exercising that faith. I wasn't going to let time pass again before paying, but I did after all. The money just was not there to pay tithing and meet all our obligations. I actually drew strength from my own witness and testimony that our family can not afford to NOT pay tithing and took a leap of faith.
One night at the beginning of March I prayed that we'd be able to meet our financial obligations. I believe it was the next morning that I went to work for the lady in our ward whom I've helped off and on by cleaning her house. I was looking forward to the work because we'd have some cash to buy some groceries but I was concerned how my body would handle the physical demands. Thankfully it handled it well except for being really tired at the end of the day. (But even that was a gift because it got me moving and active on the days thereafter.) Anyway, that morning while I was cleaning I got a text from Matthew asking if I could talk. After a little bit of phone tag we were able to get a hold of each other. He told me that he had received an email informing him of a 6 month active duty assignment in Salt Lake and wondered if he should apply. My first thought was, J is in Utah. And so is my brother. The catch was that the start date was March 31st - just a few weeks away. Over the course of the day, we'd talk back and forth about the implications of a PCS to UT and whether he'd go or we all go. I texted my brother and J to get a feel for how far away they were from SLC. It was mind boggling. I hadn't told the lady I work for that I was pregnant yet and at one point the opportunity came up for me to share the offer being presented and at the same time let her know about the baby. The fact that I am due right in the middle of the assignment just really complicated things. So bang, all in one fell swoop she found out I am expecting and possibly moving. I suppose it was the best way to tell her. We talked some more about and bounced ideas off each other the next day over lunch.
The email came on Thursday, March 6th and the application closed Monday, the 10th. We had a few days to figure out if he should even apply to the position. All throughout that period, NO ONE had submitted an application. Matthew was pretty sure he'd get it if he was the only applicant. Here are the pros - he held all the qualifications for the job. In fact, it was what he'd been working on with the unit since being on orders in Feb. As a PCS, the military would pay for the move. He'd be on active duty orders for 181 days - full Army benefits, plus the length of time needed to receive Veteran status and thereby receive Veteran benefits, AND it will make him more qualified for the full time positions he's been eyeing for years but never quite qualified for. In the end, he applied. I figured it was kind of like the New Jersey thing - if it was what was right for our family, then it would happen otherwise it wouldn't.
Every day has been filled with questions of logistics and what if's and what should we's... I worried about doing the single parent thing again and having a baby with/out Matthew. The more I researched schools and midwives in UT, the more anxious and agitated and overwhelmed I felt. Here is a journal entry I wrote a week after learning about the position:
THURSDAY, MARCH 13, 2014
Last night as the winds swirled outside, the phrase 'whirlwind adventure' came coming to mind as I thought about the possibility of a 6 mo PCS to UT in our very near future. So many unanswered questions and not a lot of time to figure it all out.
In other news, I finally announced on FB about being pregnant. I am not sure if sharing my blog post about it was the right decision but it is done.
We went and toured the hospital Tuesday night. The boys behaved pretty well. I was pleased :) The next day I asked them what they thought of the experience and Jared said, Lucky. Another voiced opinion was excited. I think it made it more real for them - at least for Jared because up until yesterday he really didn't seem to show much interest in the baby. I was laying on the couch and Jared was working on homework at the computer. Baby was bumping around and I called Aaron over to feel. Jared came too. Baby quieted down again but Jared waited there awhile. I told him that he could talk to the baby. He wasn't quite sure what to say and I could tell he felt awkward and embarrassed. Finally I sent him away and told him I'd call him back over if he started moving again. Turns out that every time I sat up he'd move. About the same time as discovering this, Jared had turned on his band music to listen to while he worked. Soon I called him over and he was able to feel this little one a couple of times. I'm glad he got to experience that :)
As for my feelings about the hospital tour, well... it is a great facility. But I felt uncomfortable there and it kind of solidified my feelings about a home birth. I think I finally figured out why. At my appt with the midwife last week I discussed Matthew's concerns about a homebirth. She assured me that most calls to transfer to the hospital happen early enough that can be done calmly. If it really is an emergency transfer than they call the closest hospital to have them prep the OR. But even in a hospital it takes 30 minutes to prep for a C-Section which would be our travel time. One of the reasons for transfer would be failure to progress, so I shared with her my previous birth experiences and wondered how that would be weighed. We discussed it and she said it is possible that I petered out because I was disrupted and distracted by the transition to the hospital. Another possibility is that I am just one of those women who has a really long early labor, but the fact that my water broke put me on a clock. It might be a different experience staying home.
As we went through the hospital and the more our guide talked, I thought about the conversation with the midwife and my experience with the miscarriages and realized I really liked being at home and doing my own thing. That night Matthew asked me what I thought and I shared with him this conclusion and I think he got it. In the morning I told him that I felt very uncomfortable delivering in the hospital and that it wasn't the place for me. He joked that maybe that had something to do with moving to UT :)
I feel very torn about the move. I want to go as a family, but I don't want to take Jared away from band and the research I've done for midwives makes me feel anxious and upset. The highly recommended ones take very few clients and even less insurance. I'd have to pay out of pocket. With the fact that most of my pgcy is over, I'd hope they would pro-rate it. My next appt is April 1st and is in conjunction with my big blood draw and testing. Really the only expenses left should be the final visits, birth, and postpartum. I talked to Mom yesterday to find out if she'd be willing to come and stay with us in June if Matthew goes by himself. She is willing. In some ways I think that'd be the easiest option, but I also don't necessarily feel like that is the best option.
Friday night or Saturday morning I was praying about it, and the thought that came immediately to mind was that we will go and everything will turn out fine. I felt much more at peace at that point and decided to quit researching and wait for orders and answers to all our questions. We spent Saturday evening emptying out the storage unit. Jared and I were alone in the van so I talked to him about the situation and how he felt about it. He said he thinks we'll go, but he'd prefer not to say why. He recognizes that there are pros and cons to the move. The biggest pro is that the **** are there, though we'd still be a good enough distance away that we still probably wouldn't see each other as much as we'd like. Although with summer's free schedule, maybe we would.
On Sunday the topic for Sacrament mtg was the Atonement. The sister spoke about using the Atonement for its ENABLING power, not just its healing power. The final speakers shared his recent experience regarding losing his job and finding new employment. He recounted the move to get him here and shared that two weeks before they were to come, the apartment complex contacted them and denied their application. After scrambling they found another one and discovered another member family in the complex whom they became really great friends with. At one point they shared their experience with the denied application and the family responded that they know why it happened. They had been praying for a family to move in that they could be friends with. Basically they had prayed this family to that apartment. His point was that sometimes our trials are an answer to another's prayers. The closing song was I'll Go Where You Want me to Go. I looked at Matthew and laughed. It seemed the talks and song for that morning were meant for us.
In other news, I finally announced on FB about being pregnant. I am not sure if sharing my blog post about it was the right decision but it is done.
We went and toured the hospital Tuesday night. The boys behaved pretty well. I was pleased :) The next day I asked them what they thought of the experience and Jared said, Lucky. Another voiced opinion was excited. I think it made it more real for them - at least for Jared because up until yesterday he really didn't seem to show much interest in the baby. I was laying on the couch and Jared was working on homework at the computer. Baby was bumping around and I called Aaron over to feel. Jared came too. Baby quieted down again but Jared waited there awhile. I told him that he could talk to the baby. He wasn't quite sure what to say and I could tell he felt awkward and embarrassed. Finally I sent him away and told him I'd call him back over if he started moving again. Turns out that every time I sat up he'd move. About the same time as discovering this, Jared had turned on his band music to listen to while he worked. Soon I called him over and he was able to feel this little one a couple of times. I'm glad he got to experience that :)
As for my feelings about the hospital tour, well... it is a great facility. But I felt uncomfortable there and it kind of solidified my feelings about a home birth. I think I finally figured out why. At my appt with the midwife last week I discussed Matthew's concerns about a homebirth. She assured me that most calls to transfer to the hospital happen early enough that can be done calmly. If it really is an emergency transfer than they call the closest hospital to have them prep the OR. But even in a hospital it takes 30 minutes to prep for a C-Section which would be our travel time. One of the reasons for transfer would be failure to progress, so I shared with her my previous birth experiences and wondered how that would be weighed. We discussed it and she said it is possible that I petered out because I was disrupted and distracted by the transition to the hospital. Another possibility is that I am just one of those women who has a really long early labor, but the fact that my water broke put me on a clock. It might be a different experience staying home.
As we went through the hospital and the more our guide talked, I thought about the conversation with the midwife and my experience with the miscarriages and realized I really liked being at home and doing my own thing. That night Matthew asked me what I thought and I shared with him this conclusion and I think he got it. In the morning I told him that I felt very uncomfortable delivering in the hospital and that it wasn't the place for me. He joked that maybe that had something to do with moving to UT :)
I feel very torn about the move. I want to go as a family, but I don't want to take Jared away from band and the research I've done for midwives makes me feel anxious and upset. The highly recommended ones take very few clients and even less insurance. I'd have to pay out of pocket. With the fact that most of my pgcy is over, I'd hope they would pro-rate it. My next appt is April 1st and is in conjunction with my big blood draw and testing. Really the only expenses left should be the final visits, birth, and postpartum. I talked to Mom yesterday to find out if she'd be willing to come and stay with us in June if Matthew goes by himself. She is willing. In some ways I think that'd be the easiest option, but I also don't necessarily feel like that is the best option.
Friday night or Saturday morning I was praying about it, and the thought that came immediately to mind was that we will go and everything will turn out fine. I felt much more at peace at that point and decided to quit researching and wait for orders and answers to all our questions. We spent Saturday evening emptying out the storage unit. Jared and I were alone in the van so I talked to him about the situation and how he felt about it. He said he thinks we'll go, but he'd prefer not to say why. He recognizes that there are pros and cons to the move. The biggest pro is that the **** are there, though we'd still be a good enough distance away that we still probably wouldn't see each other as much as we'd like. Although with summer's free schedule, maybe we would.
On Sunday the topic for Sacrament mtg was the Atonement. The sister spoke about using the Atonement for its ENABLING power, not just its healing power. The final speakers shared his recent experience regarding losing his job and finding new employment. He recounted the move to get him here and shared that two weeks before they were to come, the apartment complex contacted them and denied their application. After scrambling they found another one and discovered another member family in the complex whom they became really great friends with. At one point they shared their experience with the denied application and the family responded that they know why it happened. They had been praying for a family to move in that they could be friends with. Basically they had prayed this family to that apartment. His point was that sometimes our trials are an answer to another's prayers. The closing song was I'll Go Where You Want me to Go. I looked at Matthew and laughed. It seemed the talks and song for that morning were meant for us.
The person in charge of hiring had been on TDY but arrived home and contacted Matthew on Monday, the 17th. Turns out there was one other applicant, but she seemed to indicate a preference for Matthew. Tues afternoon Matthew received an official offer for the position which he accepted and the paperwork dance and real decision process began.
These were basically our options: Matthew goes by himself the entire 6 mo; We go with him right off; He goes first and we follow (when?). If we move out too, do we put all of our stuff in storage here and rent a furnished place there or take everything with us? Do we rent a small place and put our stuff in storage there? What is going to happen after the 6 months? Will we return or stay there longer? What do we do with our current lease?
As each day passed, it seemed like our thoughts and plans would morph until they fit the Sculptor's design. It has been an interesting process. I feel like we've been guided but in such a way that we were to figure it out on our own at the same time. Conversations here and there as I gleaned for input and information clarified thoughts in my mind. After almost a week break of not thinking about the move, I started browsing zillow and craigslist again. It no longer felt so stressful. I sent out emails to school districts regarding band programs and focused on housing within those school boundaries that offered band. I learned all I could about different schools, their demographics, curriculum, and general reviews. I figured out which areas were the quickest commute to the unit and started learning the city by area. I got to the point where it wasn't enough to just make lists of places that looked good, I had to start making phone calls and sifting through everything I'd harvested.
After a conversation with a friend, it became clear that we should take everything with us because we don't know what will happen after the 6 months. Since the military will pay for us to move back, we wouldn't be out anything by taking it. If for some reason we stay, our belongings would not be split across the country. And if our stuff needs to go to storage in UT, so be it.
As for our current lease, I'd thought of seeing if we could make a deal with the landlord to maybe pay half rent to maintain our claim, but thought it wouldn't be fair to him if we didn't come back. One of my concerns was moving back to NJ in October and not being able to find decent housing because moving season was over. But I also trusted that we'd find what we needed to. Even if we renewed the lease, next year we'd have to move to a bigger place with a third youngster running around. I went ahead and notified our landlord of the possibility we would not renew due to the possible orders, but that we weren't sure if they'd really happen. He is such a nice man and has been very patient with us.
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