To everything there is a Season

*Warning: This is a very personal and sometimes graphic post. I began writing this on the morning of Monday, Feb 17th with one thought string but as I add to the story each day, the thread changes color. You know I can get pretty long-winded and this post is no exception. Read at your own risk and when you have enough time set aside to invest in it.*

The day I went into labor with Aaron

When I was pregnant with Aaron, I was still on the heavy side. I was smaller by 30 pounds than I was with Jared, but I still tipped the scales at over 200. The first Sunday I showed up at church with Aaron to have him blessed, there were people who had no idea I was even pregnant and were quite surprised I'd had a baby.

I wanted it to be different the next time. I wanted to be one of those cute pregnant ladies - and thus my weight loss journey began (though there were other motivating factors, like wanting to fit into my wedding dress by my 10th anniversary (which I did achieve).) My ultimate goal was to get down to 150.

Me in my wedding dress July of '08

I started with just going on walks and after sending out an open invitation to walk with me, I discovered a couple of ladies in the ward were already meeting in the mornings after their kids went to school to do just that. I was invited to join them and did so gladly. Eventually we added some P90x videos to our routine, and I joined Weight Watchers fully committed. If you've been a follower of my blog for awhile, you've been part of that journey and know it pretty well.

A couple of years after Aaron was born, I was weighing in at 170 or 180 (can't remember now) and discovered I was pregnant. Unlike my other two pregnancies, I did not keep this one a secret. I happily shared the news with friends and family. After all, I hadn't had a miscarriage before and surely I wouldn't now. And just like my other two, this one was due at the end of July. I had my first appt at 8 weeks and thought all was well. I had my piano recital and prepared for family to come to town for Christmas. Days before Christmas I was surprised to discover blood.  A visit to the midwife and an ultrasound the next day confirmed that the fetus had died and would miscarry soon. I posted a vague comment on facebook that my good friend 'S' picked up on as being a message and called to check on me. She sweetly brought over dinner for us and cried with me. I spent Christmas Eve's late hours in the bathroom experiencing all the stages of labor and the relief of delivery. It was a shock to say to the least as most everyone will tell you it is just like a heavy period. For me it certainly was not. Because it was the wee hours of the night, I was alone and frankly preferred it that way. Well, alone except for the feeling of the Spirit that comforted me as I passed through that ordeal. In those moments of solitude and agony, the Spirit whispered that this was not meant to be a summer baby. but a spring baby. I felt as much peace and comfort I could in those moments. When it was all over, I went to bed and slept.

I hadn't put up a Christmas tree yet because I had been so overwhelmed with sadness, but by morning I was ready to face the holiday. Matthew took the boys over to my parents and I put up
the tree all the while listening to Handel's Messiah. It carried an extra special meaning to me that day and brought a peace and comfort as I thought of all that the Savior experienced for me. And in the time that followed, I felt an empathy for those women who lost their babies due to Herod's decree to slaughter all the children under the age of 2 in hopes of killing the Jew's future king. Another friend of mine had been making Christmas decorations and one set had been angels. That Christmas a new tradition began - putting those angels at the top of my tree in honor of the lost.

Time moved on and when July rolled around, I had reached my weight loss goal. We went on a LONG family road trip that was amazing. I found a lot to be thankful for and celebrated the births of other babies due at the same time I would have been. Ode to Joy is a post I wrote at the time enumerating some of the blessings I felt.

During the years that followed, our family experienced a lot of changes and challenges. We really struggled financially and Matthew made an effort to move to a 'real' career path. He ended up accepting a position in New Jersey that fell through days before leaving. We still felt it was the right thing to move though, so he left while I stayed in TX preparing the house for selling. That year was one of the hardest experiences of my life. The stress paid its toll on my weight and exercise goals as well. By the end of it I had gained back 20 - 30 pounds. This year has been a bear of a winter in NJ, and now what I know winter can REALLY be like, I feel like that period was a winter in our lives. Barren. Cold. Hard. Moving was difficult, but the reuniting of our family was worth it and so right for us.

One experience I had during that year of single parenting, was singing in Sacrament meeting for Mother's Day. I sang with my good friend who brought me the dinner I mentioned previously. The song was about raising sons and daughters. I sang the verse about sons and she about daughters. As we sang I thought about my experiences and hopes for a daughter. When I was pregnant with Aaron, I felt a girl presence and thought for sure I was having one. No one else was convinced though. The night before my ultrasound I referred to the baby as a boy for the first time and knew in that moment we were having a boy. But as we sang this song, this thought came "She is coming." I've held on to that hope.

I am grateful to be in NJ and know this is where the Lord wants us to be. We were also blessed to be closer to my younger brother who lived in North Carolina until he moved this last summer. He and his family came up for Thanksgiving and the boys and I drove down after Christmas. Such a treat!!

When we got home from NC, Aaron drew a picture of me holding a baby. I asked him whose baby it was and he said mine. I asked him if it was a girl baby or a boy baby.  He didn't know. I asked him what we should name the baby and he came up with a list of names - including Shark. At the end of the conversation I assured him that I was not having a baby, but his aunt and uncle were. We had just learned that my youngest brother was expecting. I figured Aaron just had baby on his brain - especially since we had just come from visiting my brother who had a 6 month old.

Aaron, me with baby, Daddy, and Jared

To my surprise, I discovered I was pregnant not too long after. Ironically I had just started another weight loss contest and weighed about the same as the last pregnancy and my cycle had started three years  almost to the day after I had last miscarried. Every single pregnancy had been exactly (well, roughly) three years apart. I wondered at the fact that I was due in October - definitely not spring, but with Aaron's premonition I realized spring may not refer to a literal season. I decided to keep this pregnancy a secret though I was excited and wanted to tell someone. I had already made plans to visit TX in Feb but hadn't said anything yet so I sent a cryptic msg to my good friend 'J' who bought our house that I had a secret and was so excited. I knew she would think I was pregnant, so I told her instead that I was coming to visit.

Finding myself pregnant in a new place was a bit overwhelming - especially since I didn't want to give myself away. A few of the ladies at church had recently had babies so I had to figure out a way to discreetly ask for referrals for health care. I researched online too and discovered a midwifery office that does home births. They were highly recommended even for hospital births. The only catch is that they are out of network for insurance companies. I got a whiff that they might accept Tricare, so I decided to call them and find out. Turns out Tricare is the ONLY insurance they are in network with. I decided to set up a consult with them and one other office. The other office would have been very similar to the office I used in TX, but figured if I was going to do a home birth, then this would be my opportunity so I went with the highly recommended ones.

My visit to Texas was wonderful and healing - especially for the boys. I was able to go to the temple with 'J'. I was starting to feel a little sick so she straight out asked me if I was pregnant. I had no intention of telling her, but since she asked me directly I told her yes but that I hadn't planned on saying anything. She made a comment about friends supporting me if things didn't work out. It was a relief to talk to someone about it, though I also felt like I had condemned the pregnancy. By the time I left TX, my mom, youngest bro & wife, and most of all my closest friends knew. So much for secrecy :)

About 8 weeks pregnant

I had my first appt at the end of Feb, but I was already starting to worry that something was wrong because many of my pregnancy symptoms were fading. The midwife said my uterus was in a good position but measuring just a week behind and we didn't hear the hearbeat so my dates might be off a little. We scheduled an appt for two weeks later with the thought that we just needed a little extra time for it to get bigger and stronger to pick up. I had little hope though and felt very sad and expected the worst. Two days later I sought solace in the Ensign and opened it randomly to the First Presidency message, "Peace, by Still". I immediately felt the Spirit wrap itself around me and knew those words were for me. Here is the final quote from the article:

"Through tears and trials, through fears and sorrows, through the heartache and loneliness of losing loved ones, there is assurance that life is everlasting. Our Lord and Savior is the living witness that such is so. His words in holy writ are sufficient: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). I testify to this truth."

It was enough. I knew that the Lord has a plan and not to worry. It will be ok no matter the outcome. From that moment, I did feel peace and light-hearted again. When two weeks passed and still a heartbeat was not heard, an ultrasound confirmed the fetus had died the week I got back from Texas - at 8 weeks. By the time I actually miscarried, I'd been pregnant for 11 weeks. I wished I hadn't said anything to anyone but oh well. 

This second miscarriage was the same as my first in that I experienced all the stages of labor and delivery, but that is where the similarities ended. I was happily surprised that my body actually went through a textbook labor. It took 4 pregnancies to achieve that, but the delivery was less than ideal. I ended up being in a lot of pain over the next couple of weeks. March and and April were ugly months for me, for as I recovered from the miscarriage, I also ended up with some issues with my ear that put me in excruciating pain. When it was all over, we had to do some serious searching to figure out our housing plans for the next year. Stressful times.

In the midst of all this emotional chaos, good things were happening as well too. Matthew got 'mysteriously' transferred to a new unit in NY the same day he spent praying for a breakthrough and giving his will to the Lord. After his first time in the new unit, he was set up to move to the paralegal department and plans were made to send him to paralegal school in Virginia for the summer. Being a paralegal has been his dream from early on in his life. He was also encouraged in a few other ways to better his career. We had visits from both my parents and Matthew's mom. I even started working for a lady in our ward taking care of her house and yard. 

After a LOT of house hunting, our choices boiled down to a 4 bedroom stand alone home or a 2 bedroom townhome/duplex in a small community with lots of children and a pool. We really wanted that house but felt that the townhome was where we belonged. Again we gave our will to the Lord and went with the smaller house. What a blessing it has been!! 

crossing the 5K finish line

Despite our separation over the summer, life was fantastic!! We spent our days swimming and biking and enjoying fresh food from the farm across the street. Jared did band camp and took up the trumpet (which he LOVES now) and Aaron took tennis and gymnastic lessons. We were able to visit Matthew occasionally and had a nice long vacation in TX. There are indeed children everywhere in the community - many of them the exact age as my boys. The bus stop is even right across the street from us. I began doing the couch to 5K program and completed my first 5K at the end of Sept.

And as far as Matthew's career goes, at this point he is working for the Army full time. Assuming everything continues to go as planned (which honestly it rarely does :)), he will be on full time active duty orders starting the end of March - which means all the benefits of an active duty soldier. I think things are looking pretty peachy. Yes, there are still challenges, but over all in our life, I feel the winter is over and we have entered a new season. Spring.

Spring. Always in the back of my mind I am calculating. A spring baby. Through the summer months I had a feeling our time was approaching. After several unsuccessful attempts to attend the temple together, Matthew and I finally made it in Sept. While there I had a random thought cross my mind that I wrote down and shared with him on the off-chance it was actually revelation. The thought that crossed my mind was that we'd have two more children. That we'd be one of those families that has two 'generations' of children - an older set and a younger set. Again, I don't know if it was revelation. I had a friend in college who experienced 5 miscarriages and later went on to get pregnant with and deliver quintuplets. I always felt like she got her babies back - it was just a matter of timing.  

In October I found out I was pregnant again (ironically, weighing in close to the same numbers as the other two pregnancies). This time my lips were sealed. I am guessing that a few of my more astute associates had suspicions though no one made any outright inquiries. 

My mom came to visit at the beginning of November but I was a zombie and an emotional mess. I was so tired and overwhelmed with worry about the viability of this pregnancy that I had no desire to do anything. I gave up running because I wanted to conserve my energy. I also waited to schedule my first appointment with the midwives until I was 10 weeks so there'd be no doubt about what I was facing. Thanksgiving came and went. I tried to ignore the fact I was pregnant as best I could though always there was fear and worry. Unfortunately this burden manifest itself in a lot of anger and frustration with my children - especially Jared. Matthew and I were both concerned that maybe I was suffering with depression, though I think it really boiled down to worry. 

The day of my first appt arrived and I was a nervous weepy wreck. I didn't know if it was scarier to not hear a heartbeat or to find one. Though I have wanted and hoped and planned on another child, I was also at a point where I was ok with where we were too and realized that adding a baby to the mix would seriously alter our reality :) I ached to sit at the piano and play through my feelings but I was on a time crunch to get to my scripture class so instead the Spirit came to me through music in my mind. The words to the hymn Be Still My Soul starting flowing through me. I decided to look up the hymn so I could actually read the words. 

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

I couldn't hold back the sobs as I fought the hope that perhaps that I would really get to meet this baby at last. 

I went to my appointment. I laid on the table as she felt the size of my uterus. She gave me a look that indicated I was measuring right on, but now to face the moment of truth - the doppler. She reassured me that it sometimes takes a few tries to find the heartbeat at first. We found mine no problem. I laid there and prayed and held my breath. At first I was ready to give up hope when all of a sudden that tiny heartbeat echoed out. Tears ran down my face as I felt the relief and gratitude wash through me. I think it was pretty emotional for her too. It took a few moments for me to gather myself again before we could listen some more.

Despite hearing the heartbeat, doubts still weighed me down. Just that morning I had had a conversation with a lady who lost two babies - one at 11 weeks and one at 15.  I always thought that if I could just get passed those first 9 weeks we'd be in the clear, and yet later losses do happen. Matthew was feeling especially concerned about me one morning and came back to the house instead of going on to work to check on me. I mentioned this worry and he said that all his doubts were gone after we heard the heartbeat. I decided to lean on his faith and the feelings that I'd had but tried not to believe in case they were wrong, and feel peace. From that moment my burden was lifted. I decided to believe that we were really going to have a baby and start making plans. 

I still did not want to tell anyone, but I also wanted a fun way to let my family know without words. Somehow I came up with the idea of creating one of those photo calendars for my parents for Christmas. I spent hours sorting through pictures and putting a calendar together through Shutterfly. I added everyone's birthdays and anniversaries and included a picture on our estimated due date. I found a picture from a farm with one of those head cutouts with a sheep and used that. By the time Christmas came around this year, I was already heading out of the first trimester. My parents did the word spreading for me and soon all of my family knew without me having to say a thing :)

We kept it a secret from the boys too, but tried to tell them at Christmas. I gave Aaron a book called "I'm a Big Brother".  He did not get the significance of that and Jared didn't seem to get it either. It took a few days and several conversations before it sunk in that we were having a live baby. Once convinced, Aaron especially was excited. He read his book over and over again - acting it out each time. I've included a recording of it because I enjoy it so much. Unfortunately it is sideways, but oh well.

Jared doesn't let on too much as to his feelings but I think he is excited too. He is really good with babies and LOVES them. When asked whether they wanted a sister or brother, both said sister. Jared has taken up the habit of brushing and braiding my hair. I told him maybe he'll have a sister and he can do her hair too.

newborn sized skirt I made

A baby girl was the hopes for all. Even the first time I talked my dad after Christmas he asked how his grand-daughter was doing. The funny thing is that whenever I thought about the baby I always thought girl. I've even purchased girl clothes and made plans for little skirts to match. Both Matthew and I were coming up with girl names. Girl. Girl. Girl. However, when Aaron would talk to the baby, I'd always refer to the baby as a 'he'. I hoped for a girl but really wasn't sure. I looked forward to my 20 week anatomy scan to know for sure what we were expecting and ensure that the baby was healthy. The plan was to start announcing it after reaching that mark (though I have yet to do so in large circles).

I scheduled my scan last Monday for while my parents were here. Matthew had to drive straight from work and meet us there. We had a very nice technician that talked us through everything and was extremely personable. I am truly grateful to her. She said some techs don't even like having husbands in the room but by the end my whole family was sharing in the experience. We tried to get a gender shot pretty early on but the umbilical cord was between the legs and not giving a clear view. Sometimes the tech thought girl and sometimes boy. Baby is feet down but was really cooperative with all the pics she had to get - except for the heart, legs and face. After a good 45 minutes getting pics, the baby had curled up way low and wouldn't budge. The tech said we needed a break and see if baby would change position so she could get the rest of the shots. After about 15 minutes of walking around, I went back into the scan room and we tried again. Baby had indeed changed position and we were able to get the remaining shots. Everyone came in for the last few scans and the tech kindly gave the boys a tour of their little sibling. I don't think they were very impressed because they couldn't quite tell what everything was, but when she printed out the labeled pictures they could see what everything was and were surprised, just as I had been, to discover we are having another boy.

I have to admit that I felt a physical let down when I saw we were having a boy. It was a shock and disappointment for everyone and took a few days for me to wrap my brain around it and come to terms that for whatever reason, the "y" is strong in this family :) Even if we didn't get the little girl we hoped for, this boy will be loved and cherished. He is still a gift and an answer to prayer.

Ultrasound is an amazing technology. We saw baby yawning, hiccuping, rolling, and even his eyeball. The interesting thing is that even though we could see baby rolling around, I didn't actually feel him though I certainly do feel the baby. 

Baby is getting stronger and bigger every day. I think I am even beginning to feel movement on the outside. Aaron had been laying down on me late Sunday night and sat up all of a sudden saying he thought he felt a flutter :D I love that he felt something since he spends the most time interacting with my belly. Every week he asks to watch the video from babycenter.com about how the baby is growing and developing. He talks and sings to the baby and will hug my belly goodnight. Baby has certainly learned his voice and responds with movement. It is so sweet and warms my heart. I think he will be an amazing big brother.

Jared shows his love in other ways, though he does enjoy watching the babycenter.com videos as well. We had more snow fall Monday night (on top of the foot we already had on the ground) and I had gone outside to clean off the van and clear the walkways while Jared waited for his school bus. He came back shortly after and started helping me clean off the van. My heart warmed at his thoughtfulness and soon he picked up the shovel and cleared off the sidewalk and part of the driveway. He did as much as he could before the bus arrived. There's been a couple of incidents like this where he has taken it upon himself to clear the way so that I don't slip and fall. I love his compassion and desire to serve others.

Matthew has been a dream. Often picking up my slack - preparing meals, carrying laundry up and down three flights of stairs because it totally winds me, putting the boys to bed, letting me sleep lots and lots.... And I love catching him getting excited about the baby though he tries not to show it too much. I am surrounded by good people. I love my family :)

Besides sharing the news about being pregnant, the purpose and thought behind this post came Sunday night as I looked in the mirror. The Lord had given me plenty of time to reach my goal but it was up to me to achieve and maintain it - the whole endure to the end thing. Once I knew the pregnancy was viable I was willing to pull out my maternity box and see what was available because I had forgotten (not to mention my regular jeans were getting uncomfortable). I was surprised and disappointed to discover that NOTHING fit. The few smaller pieces I had saved from Aaron's pregnancy were too big (size 18) and the new pieces I'd put in when I'd reached my goal (size 10) were too small. I had nothing in between. A trip to Goodwill solved the problem when I miraculously found five pairs of maternity pants and capris in my size - which is good, but the maternity tote taught me a lesson I seem to need to learn again and again. The Lord keeps His promises even if it is years in the making. We can't give up hope just because it seems like our dreams are just that - a dream. 

As I looked in the mirror, I saw a frumpy lady not a cute pregnant one. Granted, I am just transitioning from that awkward 'can't quite tell if the lady is pregnant or just fat' stage into the bursting at the belly 'hey that lady is pregnant' stage, but the weight I carry was my choice too. I gave up on myself and my goal. It is hard to stay motivated and to do what you should even when you don't want to, but isn't everything that is worth it hard? 

I am reminded of something I read in the Institute manual for Tuesday's scripture class regarding the Israelites scouting out the land of Canaan in preparation for them to go into the promised land:

Their return with a negative report of walled cities and strong inhabitants so discouraged Israel that they began to murmur against the Lord. (See Numbers 13:26–33.) They had expected to move into the promised land without effort. As a result of their lack of spiritual readiness, they were compelled to wander thirty-eight more years in the desert. 

 Getting to the promised land (whatever that may be at any given moment in our lives) takes effort and when we aren't willing to put that effort in, we fall short of all we could be. The sad thing about the Israelites is that the Lord had provided miracle after miracle and yet they somehow chose to be afraid and not trust Him. I think my experience has been a bit like that too. I am grateful for the knowledge that the Lord does not give up on us though. I love these verses from Deuteronomy 4 as Moses warns the children of Israel about forgetting the Lord and worshiping other gods:

25 When thou shalt beget children, and children’s children, and ye shall have remained long in the land, and shall corrupt yourselves, and make a graven image, or the likeness of any thing,and shall do ^aevil in the sight of the Lord thy God, to provoke him to ^banger: ...
 29 But if from thence thou shalt ^aseek the Lord thy God, thou shalt ^bfind him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.
 30 When thou art in ^atribulation, and all these things are come upon thee, even in the ^blatter days, if thou ^cturn to the Lord thy God, and shalt be obedient unto his voice;
 31 (For the Lord thy God is a ^amerciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the ^bcovenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.

The Lord's arms stay open, waiting for us to turn and trust in Him - no matter how long it takes. He loves us and always keeps His promises.