surprised myself

About a month ago Facebook was full of memes and articles in honor of infant loss and miscarriage awareness. I remember one in particular that made the point that a mother thinks of her losses often and could tell you how old that child would be in a blink. I realized I could not. I don't know if those wounds have healed with Peter's arrival or the peace that came from the Lord. Whatever the reason, at the time I was totally at a loss of how much time has passed.

Fast forward and rewind to Thursday. I host a scripture study class in our home so that children are welcome to come too. One of the moms has a five year old daughter and a thirteen month old son that come with her. Thursday the girl was making some kind of noises about not wanting to go home. I told her she could stay with me. I need a little girl because I don't have one. She shook her head no and quickly got ready to go, looking a little panicked in the process. I realized as I was saying that she could stay with me, that my first lost baby would be her age. I guess I've paid more attention than I thought.

Having Peter has changed a lot of things. I've aged a lot in the last eight years. I'm so grateful he is here and part of our family, and though I want a daughter, I'm not sure I really have it in me to have one more. I am tired. This week my body has been acting odd so I took a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease. It's amazing how quickly my mind shifted to disappointment. It is hard to separate nostalgia from true desire though. I decided to leave it up to the Lord and accept whatever He has planned for our family.

Starting Anew

I am being sustained today in a new calling. I have greatly enjoyed the break from responsibilities. It has been especially nice to sit in Sunday School and Relief Society. (Well, when I can, since Peter has reached the age where we have to wander with him. But Matthew has taken the role of wandering which has also been nice.) My spiritual (and physical) habits have been greatly lacking and my spirituality has suffered. It has been dwindling since New Jersey, but especially while in Utah. It is quite the contrast to who I was four or even three years ago.

The first Sunday of the month the Relief Society presidency chooses the topic of the lesson. Ours this month was on having The Holy Ghost as our constant companion. She created a chart comparing the way we feel/act when The Holy Ghost is with us and when He is not. The 'not' side pretty much nailed me. He has been nudging me in my thoughts to do better, but I honestly didn't care enough despite knowing it made me miserable and lonely to not have that spirituality. The lesson helped, and I began striving to listen to the scriptures again and praying more often. I am still far from creating a regular habit. One thing I did to motivate me was to reach out to the sisters and suggest meeting once a week for a scripture study group. The response was minimal, but enough that we are going to do it. The first class is this Thursday. I am hoping it will be a life-line for others as it was for me in NJ and will be now.

I have served in Primary in some capacity almost consistently for the last twelve or thirteen years. I did have a few breaks here and there, but it has certainly been non-stop since Aaron was in nursery. When we moved to NJ, my heart was in Primary and my emotions were raw. I had no desire to be with adults. By the time I was ready to be among the sisters, I received my calling as a Primary teacher. I was really kind of upset about it and it took awhile to learn to love my calling. I was grateful for the opportunity to see 'the other side' since I had served as President so often. It also prepared me to lead the Primary a few months later when I was called as the President. When we moved to UT, again I was happy to be in Relief Society but was quickly called to the Primary as the chorister. My heart certainly wasn't in it. After Peter was born and I had 6 weeks off I had no desire to return. But as the depression eased, my heart grew as well and I learned to love that calling. I love being in Primary. I love knowing what my children are learning and singing. I love having that time together too. I love getting to know the children in the ward. This time though, the Lord is not returning me to the Primary.

I am grateful for our loving Father who knows me intimately. He knows that I have used Primary as an excuse to not read my lessons. He knows I am wandering without direction. He knows it is time to rebuild my reservoir because I am not doing it myself. He also knows what I can give. I recognize that as I pull myself up I will lead others to the light as well. I have a feeling he is preparing me for another leadership position, but one step at a time. I look forward to serving in my new capacity.

gratitude 8

I am thankful that I have been doing the gratitude posts. I may not post every day, but I am constantly thinking of things that I would write down even if they never make it beyond my thoughts. Certainly feeling gratitude at the little things make a glad heart.

I am thankful that Peter is a healthy, smart, determined little boy. I foresee a time when we find his determination and high-level thinking is going to turn from a delight to a challenge, but I feel blessed we have been given the opportunity to have him in our home. I am guessing that we needed these last seven years to prepare for him just like we needed those six years to prepare for Jared.

I am thankful for Jared. He too is smart and clever and funny. He turns the radio off when a song comes on that he deems bad. He is always watching out for his younger brothers trying to keep them safe and doing what's right.

I am thankful for Aaron and his affection. Where Jared is compassionate, Aaron is empathetic. Usually he is quick to obey and trustworthy. He is a fast learner and a friend to all.

I am thankful for Matthew. He is a hard worker and full of integrity. He tries to do his part to help with dinners and rallying the boys. He always knows just the story to apply to a discipline issue to help teach a principle. He loves the Lord and strives to serve him.

I am thankful that Peter is getting more and more independent so I can more easily fulfill my responsibilities around the home.

I am thankful for a mild UT winter. My NJ friends are getting slammed with snow and 14" are projected to come today in a blizzard.

I am thankful that I chose to go on my morning walk despite not having my friend to walk with me. I spent the time on the phone with my mom instead.

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I am grateful

1) I have two working arms bc it is really hard when I have to do things with only one while the other is busy with Peter

2) I am grateful for my local friend

3) that despite being up from 1:30-4:00 this morning I have had a lot of good energy today.

4) that Matthew will get paid again before rent is due and it will be just enough to cover the check

5) the area we may move to has a really good band program even though it may not start until seventh grade

6) for the internet that makes being dairy free not too hard, plus I've lost six pounds in the almost two weeks I've been off it

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I am so thankful

1) I feel better than I did yesterday. I spent the morning fighting nausea and by mid-day had aches and chills. Spent the afternoon in bed. This morning I had a little bit of nausea and a stomach-ache this evening but overall feel pretty good and energetic.

2) I had the energy to clean the bathroom and kitchen today. The bathroom REALLY needed it.

3) that a neighbor called this morning asking me to take her grandsons to school. It is the quickest Jared has moved to get ready in a long time. The were actually at school before the bell rang!

gratitude 5

I am thankful today that

1) the skirt I acquisitioned from mom when I was a youth from when she was younger could be buttoned again.

2) when I started to sing the song I have been teaching in primary both boys joined in and knew the words.

3) Peter slept through primary and is now entertaining himself nicely in his bed while I write this. Last night he even fell back asleep when I laid him down without needing to be nursed again for awhile. In fact, he looked up at me, smiled, hammered jabbered something then placed his head on my arm and went to sleep!

gratitude 4

I am so grateful that

1) There are group of good boys for Jared nearby, and
2) they can walk home from school together, and
3) Aaron plays with them too.

I don't want Jared to lose this opportunity. I really hope we can find a way to not have to move from the area anytime soon.

gratitude 3

Today I am thankful for

1) Matthew changing the light bulbs for me.
2) Jared giving Aaron his coat b/c it was cold and raining and Aaron didn't have his.
3) Peter's diaper rash is just about gone after a day of no dairy.
4) The possibility of a new opportunity at Matthew's work to be promoted to the defense side of his job - a promotion and exactly the kind of work he wants.
5) Shelter and warmth
6) food options despite having to eliminate dairy

gratitude 2

Today I am grateful for

1) how helpful Jared is

2) despite how busy he is, Matthew came home from work as quick as he could and made dinner for us since it is trumpet lesson night

3) I have a friend

gratitude

I am way behind on updates, but this will be my offering for now - an attempt at naming three things I am thankful for each day.

 1) being able to have time with Matthew this morning

2) beautiful spring-like weather that feeds my happy endorphins

3) two days in a row I have been able to comfort Peter while driving in the car by holding his hand and singing to him. There is nothing quite like hearing him sigh in contentment from the sound of your voice.

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Bonus

Jared was chosen as student of the month in his class for December.
The power going out while at the store so I couldn't spend money.
How much the boys love Peter