NO SISSY! Weigh in Week 5

Total: 5.5 lb/6.9 lb

Week 5: 164.2 (1.4 lb loss)/164.0 (1.3 lb loss)
Week 4: 165.6 (.4 lb loss)/ 165.3 (0 loss)
Week 3: 166.0 (.9 lb loss)/165.3 (.5 lb loss)
Week 2: 166.9 (.2 lb loss)/165.8 (1.8 lb loss)
Week 1: 167.1 (2.7 lb loss)/167.6 (3.3 lb loss)
Start: 169.8/170.9

surprised myself

About a month ago Facebook was full of memes and articles in honor of infant loss and miscarriage awareness. I remember one in particular that made the point that a mother thinks of her losses often and could tell you how old that child would be in a blink. I realized I could not. I don't know if those wounds have healed with Peter's arrival or the peace that came from the Lord. Whatever the reason, at the time I was totally at a loss of how much time has passed.

Fast forward and rewind to Thursday. I host a scripture study class in our home so that children are welcome to come too. One of the moms has a five year old daughter and a thirteen month old son that come with her. Thursday the girl was making some kind of noises about not wanting to go home. I told her she could stay with me. I need a little girl because I don't have one. She shook her head no and quickly got ready to go, looking a little panicked in the process. I realized as I was saying that she could stay with me, that my first lost baby would be her age. I guess I've paid more attention than I thought.

Having Peter has changed a lot of things. I've aged a lot in the last eight years. I'm so grateful he is here and part of our family, and though I want a daughter, I'm not sure I really have it in me to have one more. I am tired. This week my body has been acting odd so I took a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease. It's amazing how quickly my mind shifted to disappointment. It is hard to separate nostalgia from true desire though. I decided to leave it up to the Lord and accept whatever He has planned for our family.